The Open Letters Blog

An Open Letter To That Rotten Egg I Just Threw Out

2011-12-04T08:10:00.004-06:00

Dear Rotten Egg,

I feel bad about what I've done. What if you used to be a kid who just happened to be the last one to do something? What a terrible fate.

Apologetically,
Shawn

An Open Letter To Everyone Who Has Ever Showed Me a Video Online

2011-11-15T15:52:00.004-06:00

Dear Video-Sharers,

Could you, uh, move that cursor? No, I mean, it's just that...well it's right in the way, if you could just...yeah, yeah, just move it right out of the way there. Thanks.

With appreciation,
Shawn

P.S. Just go ahead and let that buffer before you call me over.

An Open Letter to Answers.com

2011-04-14T08:12:00.002-05:00

Dear Answers.com (or is it "WikiAnswers"? I don't really know),

Just the other day, I was finishing up my presentation to the National Board of Endangered Species Protection, and I needed to know how many camels were left in the world. The usual sources of information were of no help, so in desperation I turned to you:

And, as I expected, your reputation remained untarnished as you supplied me with the correct answer in record time:

Thanks, Answers.com! I'll let you know how the presentation goes!

With gratitude,
Shawn

An Open Letter to Parking Lot Drivers

2011-04-11T11:48:00.003-05:00

Written from the center of the crosswalk, heading from the Best Buy parking lot to the store:

Dear drivers,

What's the rush? Hey, you see that sign there? The one with the pretty red paint and the white letters and the octagonal shape? Yeah, that's a stop sign. It means, "Take your stupid foot off your stupid gas pedal and put it on your stupid brake pedal." You ignorant hunchback. The more impatient you look, the slower I will walk. I might even decide I need to start crawling, or pull out a pen and paper and compose a letter while you sit there in your fancy pants automobile, listening to some sort of god awful music that sounds like the screams of a thousand innocent souls. Best Buy isn't going anywhere. Not today, anyway. Just chill, dude-mar. Just chill.

Sincerely,
Shawn

An Open Letter To Parking Lot Pedestrians

2011-04-11T11:42:00.005-05:00

Written from my car while stopped, waiting for pedestrians to go from the parking lot into Best Buy and vice versa:

Dear Pedestrians,

I mean, I know it would be physically possible for you to walk a little slower, but can't we test out the limits of your turtle-like progression at another time?? I just want to get to my parking space and get inside, you know? Oh, that's wonderful, more people are coming out of the store now and I'll have to wait for them as well! My car is starting to overheat! WHY ARE YOU SHUFFLING YOUR FEET?? Are you afraid you might step on a stingray? Pick up the pace, you ASSOSAURUS!

Sincerely,
Shawn

An Open Letter To 5-Hour Energy

2011-04-06T20:13:00.001-05:00

Dear 5-Hour Energy Drink,

I never tried you before today. I was fearful of what you may do to my body and stuck closely by my trusty Cup O’Joe to give me the boost I needed to make it through my work day. But I had a horrible sleep last night and my coffee mug and energy levels were on low, so I decided to give you a shot. After all, my co-worker takes you all the time, so I thought, “What’s the worst that could happen? Cardiac arrest? Seizures?”

So throwing caution to the wind I guzzled down just half a bottle to play it on the safe side. And, boy oh boy, you didn’t disappoint, Energy! At first I felt no difference, but within minutes I could feel my heart racing and my head spinning. Dare I say I even felt a bit drunk. Is that your secret ingredient, Energy? Alcohol?

With my new found buzz, I was able to speed through the last remaining hours of my workday with all the hopped up jittery-ness of a crackhead who just got a big fix after weeks of withdrawal. Thanks, Energy! I am choosing to ignore the moments in my day when I felt like I was going to faint and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking… and the point were I crashed so hard I felt like a coma victim and wasn’t sure if I could drive home. The point is, you did perk me up and that’s all that matters!

P.S.- I’m switching back to coffee IMMEDIANTLY.

Hyperly yours,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter to Angry Birds

2011-04-04T11:47:00.003-05:00

Dear Angry Birds,

You have to be the dumbest game ever put on this planet, and I include Monopoly in that number. God, you're so retarded, and anyone who plays you is equally retarded! I, for one, do not intend to ever play you again. And I mean that.

One more level, and I'm done.

All right, well, that one was easy, but after this next level, I am deleting you and you will be out of my life forever.

God, has anything on this earth ever been invented that is as useless as that green boomerang bird?? Oh, right. Egg shaped bird.

Ok, I'm done. Seriously. I'm not going to spend the next fifteen minutes trying to knock down that structure and kill those bitchly-ass pigs. It doesn't even make sense. The physics are terrible. Goodbye. Turning it off.

In just a sec...

Angrily,
Shawn

An Open Letter to My Dogs

2011-03-31T12:21:00.003-05:00

An Open Letter to My Dogs

Dear Snuggles and Clover:

Good gravy, what in the world did you two eat? Are you even aware that your farts can penetrate Kevlar? The next time I need to sandblast something I'll just bottle some of your abominable flatulence. You have a permanent fog hovering around you like Pigpen from Peanuts. I no longer have any nose hair. Your farts can peel varnish and dissolve acid. True story, I once saw a pit bull fart make Chuck Norris cry. The smell is so bad my eyes are watering and my nose is running. And by "my nose is running" I mean, like, my nose literally jumped off my face and ran away in fear and revulsion. It went into the Witness Protection Program and now I'll never find it. The fallout is truly heinous. The blast radius is the width of a city block. I now have a new theory for what killed off the dinosaurs.

With nothing but love for you (but not your gas),

Heather

Our bad.

An Open Letter To My Upstairs Neighbors

2011-03-22T08:16:00.002-05:00

Dear Neighbors,

What's it like owning an elephant? I had no idea they did so much jumping!

Curious,
Shawn

An Open Letter To Anyone With a Bumper Sticker

2011-03-18T12:10:00.001-05:00

Dear Sticker-Mongers,

We don't care. No really, no one does.

Nobody cares that your kid made the honor roll and absolutely no one cares that your kid beat up another honor roll student.

Nobody cares who you voted for in the last election and no one was going to blame you, anyway.

Nobody cares about your fish, or about your fish with legs.

Nobody gives a flying shitwaffle if you have a baby on board, or what the make-up of your family looks like, as created by stick figures.

Nobody cares if Jesus is your co-pilot, if you're "salt life", who you support in the NASCAR event, if you never learned anything else about Islam after 9/11, if your other car is a broomstick, if you'd rather be fishing, or WHAT YOU THINK CALVIN SHOULD BE PISSING ON!

It looks dumb, and you should feel dumb.

Sincerely,
Shawn

Attention! Attention!

2011-03-15T11:35:00.006-05:00

OMG are you so excited to hear this?

In the past we have posted a handful of guest blogger letters, but here's the breaking news: we have officially decided to take submissions of your own Open Letters to post on this here blog! Can you even believe it? Click the badge on the sidebar if you've got something to say. An esteemed Board of Directors will make a decision on the letters that will make the final cut, and who knows? Maybe you'll see your name in lights one day! And by "name in lights" I mean "name on this blog".

Do it! Do it now!

An Open Letter to Shawn

2011-03-15T08:00:00.002-05:00

An Open Letter to Shawn

Dear Shawn:

I added some labels to your last post.

You're welcome,

Heather

An Open Letter To Dragon Naturally Speaking ("written" with Dragon Naturally Speaking)

2011-03-14T06:29:00.001-05:00

Dear Dragon,

It's been a pleasure and a delight to use your speech recognition software, freeing my hands to publish more important tacks such as: digging through the bag of Cheetos for those final crimes, messing about with my electronic cigarette, and handwriting ideas for future blog posts. It will only be a matter of time before I can dispense with my keyboard and mouse altogether, thus earning me the final merit badge in my quest to become the laziest man alive.

Many would shy away from writing a letter such as this for fear that it might be seen as an improper product indoors mint. Not I however, when a piece of software is capable as you are Dragon pirouette peer. I have no qualms about shouting it from the nearest rooftop. And make no mistake about it, I really am shouting. I have to, because this microphone is a piece of ship. new paragraph new parent graph new scratch hat god be jesus what the hell

So, you make a few mistakes and typos here and there. So what? If I can fully convince our readers to expect this level of grammatical correctness, I will soon be able to outsource my post to a Third World country for pennies on the dollar and retire to the coast of Mexico for a lifetime of good tequila and long siestas.

Which is across the us,
SHA WN

An Open Letter to the State of Arizona

2011-03-10T13:00:00.002-06:00

An Open Letter to the State of Arizona

Dear Arizona:

What the crap? Why are you exempt from Daylight Saving Time? That is so unfair, State of Arizona. I, for one, am not a happy camper. This business of springing forward, falling back, hopping sideways, and skipping in circles is getting a little frigging old. And I will be hating my alarm clock with that little bit of extra fervor come Sunday. But you, Arizona? You’ll be happy as a clam, secure in the knowledge that 8 AM is still 8 AM and all is right with the world. Except for the part of the world that is springing forward! Lame!

Totally jealous of you,

Heather
Oklahoma, USA

cc: Hawaii

An Open Letter To March

2011-03-06T21:03:00.000-06:00

Dear March,

So this is how you’re going to play it, huh? Beautiful, sunny and 65 degrees one day, then frigid, snowing and 30 degrees the very next day. What the hell?! You’re such a little cocktease. Do I need to bust out my capris and sandals or stick to winter coats and boots?

I know you’re supposed to come in like a lion and out like a lamb, but starting off like a lamb and then flipping the script is NOT COOL. Not cool at all. Don’t make me start to hate you more than I already hate February because, trust me, you don’t want that kind of wrath coming down on you full-force.

All this back-and-forth with Mother Nature has got me in a very pissy mood. If you two could possibly reach a decision within the next couple of days to, ya know, maybe make the next few weeks sunny with moderate temps that would be just fabulous. I know everyone in Illinois would thank you from the bottom of our warmth-deprived hearts.

Waiting patiently for some nice weather,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter to John Hancock

2011-03-03T09:08:00.001-06:00

Dear Mr. Hancock,

For years, I regarded you as a bit of an ass. I thought that if Open Letters had existed in your day, surely our contributor Brooke would have taken you to task for what she would only have been able to term, "incorrigible douchery". After all, who signs their name that way? It smacked of the class clown in high school who had to find some insignificant way to draw attention to themselves.

It appears, however, I have an apology to make. I recently read Thomas Rogers' account of your stay in the Massachusetts House of Representatives, where he praises you for "blazing a whig of the first magnitude" in defiance of the British. Why have we never heard of this? We hear all about the Boston Tea Party and various boycotts, but never about this stunning display of bravery.

Something epic like this, I imagine

In any case, my truest apologies to you. I have now decided to make you one of my all time heroes, alongside such great patriots as Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and Rocky Balboa. Shine on, you crazy whig-burning diamond.

Forever in debt,

An Open Letter to My Credit Card

2011-03-02T08:00:00.002-06:00

An Open Letter to My Credit Card

Dear Credit Card:

I know this might seem like it's completely out of the blue, but... well... how do I say this? To put it as gently as possible, I'm breaking up with you, you jackhole. I know, I know... I'm sorry. We've had some great times. We really have. Remember that shopping spree at Anthropologie? Remember when I got LASIK? Remember when Snuggles had to have unexpected surgery? Yeah... I'm still paying for those things. Not cool, you know? Your manipulative ways have held me captive in your unrelenting grasp for too long. I've come to realize I'm just another number in your little black book. Account No. XXXX XXXX XXXX 0231, actually.

And so, Credit Card, I'm cutting you off. I'm cutting you out of my life completely. And, well, I'm actually going to literally cut you up as well. And believe me when I say it will hurt me more than it will hurt you. Because I will actually have to start paying for things. And it's going to sting for a while. But in the end, it will turn out for the best. For both of us. Well... maybe not for you. But definitely for me. And hey, chin up; someday we'll look back on this and laugh.

It's not you. It's me. Well... actually, it is you. It's 100% you, and you suck.

Not so fondly,

Heather
(your soon to be debt-free ex)

P.S. I've been seeing someone else. His name is Ca$h Money.

An Open Letter To My Friend, Whose Novel I've Been Editing

2011-03-01T08:25:00.002-06:00

Dear Ron,

"Cocksure" is a fine word, and it has its place in the language. Not in the way you've been using it, though. Not in that way at all.

Thanks,
Shawn

An Open Letter To The Shirt I Just Bought That Says "Not Machine Washable, Dry Clean Only"

2011-02-24T15:38:00.002-06:00

Dear Shirt,

You're never going to get cleaned. I just thought you should know that.

Thanks,
Shawn

An Open Letter to My Alarm Clock

2011-02-23T13:12:00.001-06:00

An Open Letter to My Alarm Clock

Dear Alarm Clock:

I hate you.

That is all.

Sincerely,

Me

An Open Letter to the Remote Control

2011-01-20T17:13:00.005-06:00

An Open Letter to the Remote Control

Dear Remote Control:

Where are you? I'm tired of your little games. I know you're not in the couch cushions; I already checked there.

Show yourself.

Regards,

Heather

An Open Letter To Edy's

2010-12-03T12:34:00.003-06:00

Dear Edy's,

I recently had occasion to purchase your Pumpkin flavored ice cream. It seemed like a sure bet. Here are the factors that caused me to believe I was making a good choice:

#1. I like ice cream
#2. I like pumpkin pie
#3. I like seasonally available treats, such as egg nog and Cadbury Creme Eggs

But my delight turned to disdain when I arrived home, removed the lid, and took my first tentative bites. (I don't believe in bowls--they only take away from the purity of the ice cream eating experience.) The first problem was the color. I was expecting something light brown, like the pumpkin pie filling I've always loved. Instead, I was assaulted with a strange peach-like hue completely inappropriate for the flavor. The second problem was the consistency. I expected it to be more like, I don't know, ice cream. Instead, I swirled my spoon around a thick, dry paste not unlike mashed circus peanuts. That it was cold was really the only thing that met my expectations. The flavor was in the ballpark--just close enough to make me wish I was actually eating pumpkin pie instead of your product.

Be the Avis of your industry, Edy's. Try harder.

Thanks,
Shawn

CC: Dreyer's

An Open Letter To Mike Myers

2010-10-15T22:30:00.002-05:00

Dear Mike Myers,

It’s getting to be that time of year again! Halloween is only a couple weeks away. Damn, you’re probably exhausted from decades of murdering helpless victims all over Haddonfield, IL. You must be well into your 60’s by now and I was just curious…are you going to retire soon? I saw in your last film what I thought to be signs of arthritis in your right hand. Something about the way you were holding the ax while decapitating your latest victim just didn’t look right. Since your twilight years are upon you, I would like to extend an invitation to be your retirement life coach!

I know you’re probably thinking, “What the hell am I going to do if I retire? What does an ex-psycho, ax murdering killer have to offer the world?” Don’t get down on yourself, Mikey! There are plenty of things you could do to pass the time. Have you ever thought about hitting the lecture circuit? I’m sure there are lots of aspiring serial killers out there who would love to learn the tricks of the trade! You could even partner up with Jason and Freddy and have a three-for-one deal. I know, I know…you’re horrible shy (hence the William Shatner mask), so public speaking may not be the best choice.

Some other great options would be knitting (but don’t even think about using the needles as a weapon!), basket weaving, square dancing, antiquing, painting…the list is really endless. I also STRONGLY urge you to write your memoirs. Since literacy isn’t really your thing, I would be more than happy to ghost write them for you. Just let me know a time and date when we can sit down together and brainstorm an outline. I KNOW your book would be a bestseller!

Good luck with everything this Halloween, as I really feel it will be your last one before you hang up your ax. Have fun and make it your best killing spree yet! I expect to see you on the news on November 1st, ha ha!

Best Wishes With The Murdering,
Brooke

An Open Letter To Courtney Cox

2010-09-28T21:26:00.002-05:00

Dear Courtney Botox,

What the hell did you do to your face? When watching the season premiere of “Cougartown” last week, I actually gasped at how mask-like your face has become. Your forehead and eyes have gone totally Christopher Reeves on you and one would think the inability to move your face would really be a hindrance to an actress. Your lips are plumped to within an inch of their life and I feel tempted to stick a pin in them just to see if they’ll pop!

Here’s the thing, Courtney…WE ALL GET OLDER! It’s going to happen. Just go with it. No one expects you to look the way you did on “Family Ties” or “Friends.” However, we do expect you to look like a human being. Fine lines and wrinkles are OKAY because real people acquire them as they get older. Please, stop fucking with your looks and lay off all the fillers, plumpers, nips and tucks. You don’t need them. Just look like the beautiful, 40-something woman that you are. You are dangerously close to looking like The Joker, so if I were you, I’d take this warning very seriously.

Oh, and one last thing. Can you make your character on “Cougartown” a smidge less whiney/needy?

Thanks,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter To My Pretentious Neighbor

2010-09-14T20:45:00.002-05:00

Dear Pretentious Neighbor,

Well hello there, how are you? Every time I see you in the parking lot, which is often as our cars are parked next to each other, I smile and say “hi.” I feel it’s the neighborly thing to do. I don’t want to be your friend, I’m not going to invite you over for dinner and I’m sure as shit not going to knock on your door to borrow a cup of sugar. But a little civility between individuals who inhabit the same building is nice. Isn’t that what separates man from beast?

Apparently, you do not feel the same way. You’ve consistently ignored me for a year. Even if you’re on the phone, which you always are because I guess you’re just soooo important, a head nod would be nice. Ya know, act like you’re acknowledging my presence on this earth.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why you are such a snob. We pay the same amount of rent for Christ’s sake! It’s not like you’re whooping it up in the penthouse and I’m some lowly basement dweller. In fact, I live above you, bitch! Is it because you drive an expensive sports car? Um, nope. Don’t get me wrong, your BEIGE Diamante is awesome and all, but my Neon could kick it’s ass. BEIGE is quite an interesting choice for a single guy. I saw you washing it by hand the other day for THREE HOURS and that made perfect sense seeing as how there’s a goddamn car wash right across the street from us. And… you didn’t wash any of the BEIGE off.

I’ve also noticed that you like to grill out. You do look like a stud with your mini grill and bag chair. Oh, and when you had people over the other night and all six of you stopped talking when I got out of my car and walked to the door, well, that didn’t make me feel awkward at all. You and your friends suck. They looked like Abercrombie-wearing, former frat boy, date-raping, micro-brew drinking pieces of shit. Just like you.

Oh, and one more thing. Since you’ve lived here for a year, could you please get your out-of-state license plates changed already! Oh, what? Too good to live in Illinois?! Fuck you.

I hope you get drunk and burn your eyebrows off with your mini grill,

Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter To Tostitos Scoops

2010-09-03T08:35:00.003-05:00

Dear Tostitos Scoops,

I apologize for the tardiness of my letter, as I realize you’ve been on the market for the last few years. But as I’m sitting here tonight, enjoying my friend’s homemade salsa, I’m wondering how the hell anyone ever ate salsa (or any dips) before you came along?

I know that flat tortilla chips are still made, but I shudder to think what kind of child-molesting cretin would even bother with those flat bitches? Flatties don’t hold a candle to your voluptuous curves that envelope a dip like an old lover in a tender embrace. You not only hold my salsa with confidence, but you ensure that every last bit of it makes it to my mouth and not my shirt. Your shape reminds me of the cradle used to hold the blessed baby Jesus. And when food resembles a religious figure, you know it’s going to be delicious. God bless the person who created you! There’s a special place in heaven for this tortilla chip saint.

Keep On Scooping,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter to That Guy at the Grocery Store

2010-06-04T13:54:00.002-05:00

Dear Guy,

That ice cream you keep mentioning to your wife? The one that incorporates chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry into one convenient container? Well, that ice cream was never the Emperor of France. That ice cream never fought in the Battle of Waterloo and it was never exiled to the island of St. Helena. It never did any of these things, so stop calling it Napoleon Ice Cream! That's...that's not what it's called.

Pleased to help,
Shawn

An Open Letter to Blockbuster

2010-05-28T07:36:00.002-05:00

Dear Blockbuster,

I just came across the instruction book for Megaman 2 for the NES, a game I rented in the late fall of 1989. In case you were wondering, it's not the original instruction book; it appears to have been lovingly copied and stapled together by an employee of your store. Most of the text is clear, save for some cut-off sentences near the back and a red stain on page 8 that could be from a cherry popsicle. While I understand that you probably don't rent this game anymore, I thought maybe you might want the book back. Or perhaps the employee who copied it wants it for posterity's sake.

Let me know,
Shawn

An Open Letter to My Friend Janie

2010-05-24T10:29:00.001-05:00

Dear Janie,

Look, I understand. We've all let ourselves go at some point in our lives. We stop watching every little thing we eat and it winds up catching up with us. Perfectly normal.

That said, I feel like I have to intervene. Sweetie, you're getting really fat. I started noticing it a few months ago, probably before anyone else did. Just a very slight hump where there used to be a flat belly. Not a big deal, but I was concerned. But then it just continued to grow, like a mutant watermelon. I've even noticed that you've started wearing looser clothes to compensate. Sad, really. But what's sadder is the way you've seemingly embraced your newfound obesity. You almost seem proud of it!

Normally, I wouldn't say anything. You're my friend whether you're as skinny as a runway model or as big as a house. But it's not healthy to blow up as quickly as you have. The others won't tell you the truth. They seem amused by it, running up to feel your belly like you're the second coming of Buddha. They're enablers, but I can't stand idly by.

The thing is, you know I'm right. I noticed that you've even packed a "hospital bag". Clearly you're aware of the impact your quick weight gain has had on your heart and have simply resigned yourself to your upcoming coronary. I urge you to reconsider, Janie. It's not too late to get on a diet plan and return to your former glory.

With concern,
Shawn

P.S. What does your husband Jeff have to say about this? And why did I see him buying cigars the other day? Are you both trying to ruin your health as quickly as possible??

An Open Letter to the Writers of Glee

2010-05-15T09:39:00.003-05:00

Dear Glee Scribes,

Please never again refer to U2's "One" as classic rock. Classic rock is a term used for bands such as Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd. Foreigner, even. Songs that came out before I was born, basically.

"One" uh, just came out...not that long...ago.

Uhhhgh...

In permanent denial,

Shawn

Open Letter to Zen Office Guy

2010-04-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

Open Letter to Zen Office Guy

Dear Zen Office Guy,

While your office may provide you with a tranquil place to retreat to while at work, it is messing me all up. Consider someone other than yourself dude. Im sure that your (not one but TWO) trickling, gurgling, fountains relax you. Thats wonderful, really it is. The problem is that when you are not in your office (which is a great deal of the time) you leave your door open and the fountains on, which means when I walk by your office, I always feel like I have to pee. So, thanks for that.

Im sure that keeping your over head lights in you office off makes you feel at one with whatever,and that the soft lamp glow gives you the ambiance you desire. However, Im already tired when I come to work, and as the day progresses, I get more sleepy, so your office darkness is torture. AND that soft asian music? It doesnt help either. It makes me want some Chicken Sub Gum and hot tea BEFORE I nap.

Constantly peeing, wanting chinese food, and desiring a nap are not condusive to a productive work day. Its no wonder that you get NOTHING done, and that people are always complaining about your lack of progress.....you are TOO RELAXED.

Do no be surprised if after a hard day (my hard day, not yours), you find me in the middle of your office floor in the lotus position (or whatever the meditation position is called)....you kind of asked for it.

Sincerly,
the Classic Rock Blaring Office Girl.

(by Obladi Oblada)

An Open Letter to Jack Bauer

2010-03-24T08:01:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to Jack Bauer

Dear Agent Bauer:

What's up with that ridiculous loud whispering-repeating-everything thing? When you're sitting at the dinner table and you need the mashed potatoes from the other side of the table, do you do this?

[loud whisper] "Please pass the mashed potatoes. I repeat... please pass the mashed potatoes!

[then crazy gravelly yell] "Son-of-a-bitch! I spilled the gravy. Chloe, I need you on com! Send a chopper to my location with more gravy. I'm sending my GPS coordinates to your screen."

Also when are you going to figure out... there's always a mole working for the bad guy! I mean come on! How many seasons of the same plot devices and you haven't nailed this down yet?

Seriously, though, with nothing but love for ya,

Me

Related...

Dear Fox Network:

There are only so many terrorist and kidnapping plots that one man can foil whilst going "dark" but then eventually being commended by the President before it gets kiiiiiinda boring. I officially cancelled "24" from my DVR. No hard feelings, k? It's been a good run, really it has.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. I understand censorship and the need to keep things clean for primetime television and everything, but seriously... Jack Bauer is routinely tortured, almost dies, and basically loses or alienates everyone in his life while in the course of saving the country/world from impending doom. Do you honestly expect me to believe that the strongest language he uses is "Dammit!" or "Son-of-a-bitch!"? If I was an undercover drug runner hooked on heroin torturing the love of my life shortly after finding out the other love of my life was a Moley McMolerson and I had a nuclear warhead following me around like that little thundercloud follows Daffy Duck, I'd probably at least utter some of these: #@*****$@#!!! or oidthadfgxxxxxxxxxx!!!!!1 or even asdfsemicolon!!!!! I'm just sayin'...

An Open Letter to my Canadian Quarter

2010-03-09T16:33:00.003-06:00

Dear Quarter,

Take note! While you are undeniably majestic, with your engraving of Queen Elizabeth on the front and a beautiful rendering of...some sort of...Canadian Deerbeast on the back, you have crossed me and we shall now have words of a decidedly unpleasant nature. While I have nothing against you on an economic or monetary level, I cannot let this incident pass without comment. All I wanted was a delicious can of Coca-Cola Classic from that vending machine. As the few bills in my wallet were wrinkled and useless, I could only fall back on the handful of change in my pocket. Ah, three quarters. Just enough!

But NO! Because one of the quarters was you, you....you...French bastard! My hopes for a quenched throat were dashed, my spirits (and sugar levels) left to sink into oblivion. This won't soon be forgotten, Canadian Quarter. Mark my words.

Regards,

Shawn

An Open Letter To My Girlfriend

2010-02-01T12:25:00.000-06:00

Dear Snufflebunny,

As you know, whenever I see a dog, and that dog is within petting distance, I cannot help myself. I don't care if it's a rat-looking chihuahua or a friendly beagle or a snarling rottweiler. I simply must head over there and give it a pat on the head and perhaps a scratch behind the ear. Maybe it's a sign of personal weakness--I don't know. But I simply must do it.

Well, it turns out you can contract herpes from petting strange dogs. Who knew??

Anyway, that's where it came from so I guess we can just go ahead and not talk about it anymore.

Thanks for your understanding,
Shawn

An Open Letter To Taylor Swift

2010-01-27T20:47:00.004-06:00

Dear Taylor Swift,

Let’s have a chat. You are one of the few young singers today who doesn’t make my ears explode when I hear one of your songs. You are a genuinely talented singer/songwriter/musician and on top of that, you seem like a really sweet girl. So why, why, why are you starting to hang around one of the biggest pieces of shit walking the earth right now?!

I just saw a picture of you and colossal dick worm, John Mayer, cozying up to one another the other night in Nashville. NOOOOOO! Taylor, do you not read any of his press?! He is a self-absorbed, narcissistic prick. He is TROUBLE with a capital Douche! He will take your good girl virginal ass and tear you up! By all accounts, he likes to come in through the back door and leave you with a golden shower…if you know what I mean.

SPRINT away from this dick worm as fast as you can and do not look back. Your mother should be throwing a chastity belt on your ass ASAP and taking you into the witness protection program for a while until he finds his next victim. I will be holding a candle light vigil in your honor tonight in the hopes you come out of all this still pure and unscathed.

Keep those legs crossed,

Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter To Kate Gosselin's Weave

2010-01-10T17:01:00.012-06:00

Dear Kate Gosselin’s Weave,

Run! Run for your dear life! I know you must be thinking you hit the jackpot by landing on a reality TV star’s head, but you have just reached the threshold to hell.

This bitch is broke and she has 20 kids ready to pull at you and get bubble gum stuck in you. She is going to be too busy caring for her child army to give you the time and attention you need to look your best. You deserve top of the line hair care products and I just know she’ll try to use some Suave shit on you. And her taste in men is not the best. You’ll have to deal with douchebags running their fingers through you and sweating on you during “adult time.”

Do yourself a favor and pick up a pair of scissors and end this nonsense right now before it’s too late.

I will be praying for you,

Brooke Amanda

Read my other letter to Kate at "Babbling Brooke."

An Open Letter To The Woman Standing Behind Me At The Post Office

2009-12-30T15:45:00.002-06:00

Dear Woman Standing Behind Me At The Post Office,

Wow, from listening to your phone conversation it sounds like your family is going through some really hard times. Why is your mom such a bitch? And why was she SO MEAN to Katherine the other night at dinner? I mean, all Kat did was make a simple joke about her beer and your mom flipped out! How does your father put up with her?!

And now I'm wondering why they can't just make up their mind about their anniversary next year. I think going on a cruise sounds fabulous! And like you told Kat, it's a big boat so you two won't have to put up with your mother the whole time, ha ha.

Oh, and by the way...I CAN HEAR YOU! The person in front of me can hear you. The person behind you can hear you. You are standing 5 inches away from me. You are not in an invisible phone booth. Some conversations need take place in the privacy of your own home. I mean, what would your mother think!

Stop Airing Your Dirty Laundry In Public,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter To Charlie Sheen

2009-12-28T19:58:00.002-06:00

Dear Charlie,

Hey man, how’s it going? I’m guessing not well based on the fact you got your ass arrested and thrown in jail on Christmas for allegedly holding a knife to your wife’s throat and threatening to kill her. Ouch. I understand that your baby momma was legally drunk at 8:30 in the morning (CLASSY) and probably had it coming, but still… this is getting embarrassing.

Charlie, I think you just need to stop getting married and stop procreating. Do you really need to be populating the planet with your crazy genes?! You already had THREE kids by two previous women and you really felt the need to have twins with this crazy bitch, who by the way has my same name? Don’t think for a second I’m not pissed that Brooke Mueller is desecrating the name Brooke for all of us!

Why don’t you just concentrate on your acting career, which right now consists solely of “Two And A Half Men,” and help that kid who plays your nephew slim down the chunk because he is getting FAAAAT. Maybe help your dad, Martin, do some political stuff or help your brother, Emilio, find ANY sort of an acting role since I don’t think I’ve seen him on film since “The Mighty Ducks.” I know you can do it , Charlie! I have faith in you!

Stay Away From Those Crazy Bitches,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter To The Idiot Who Almost Ran Into Me In The Mall Parking Lot

2009-12-18T19:54:00.005-06:00

Dear Idiot Who Almost Ran Into Me In The Mall Parking Lot,

Do you see those bright yellow arrows on the cement? They indicate which way you can turn into the parking lanes. You CANNOT drive the wrong way or you will cause a head-on collision...like the one you almost caused tonight by going the wrong way, full speed ahead, then looking angrily at me like I was the one at fault. I hope someone totals your car. Merry f**king Christmas, dickworm!

You are a shitty driver,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter To Public Bathroom Toilet Paper

2009-11-07T19:54:00.001-06:00

Dear TP,

I've been unfortunate enough to need your assistance a time or two in my day, and you never fail to disappoint. Perhaps if I was looking to take my quarter panel down to the primer you would be up for the job. Or if I needed to write something down but didn't have any notebook paper handy, I bet you would be perfect in a pinch. But when it comes to doing the job for which you're most often employed, you are woefully out of your depth. Like a lazy janitor two days from retirement, you do the basic cleaning, but you leave out that extra...something...that would be so appreciated. You know...like softness. Absorbency. Ease of use. It's the little things that make all the difference. Don't settle for "just getting by", TP. You're better than that.

Unable to sit,

Shawn

An Open Letter To Martha Stewart

2009-09-11T17:04:00.003-05:00

Dear God, Martha. Seriously. While this lobster baby would be tasty, I'm sure, with some melted garlic butter and horseradish, it's still a lobster stuffed with live baby at the end of the day. Jesus Christ.

<3, JuliaD
homemadehilarity.com

Dear Weight-Watchers

2009-09-09T17:40:00.003-05:00

Dear Weight Watchers:

I have tried your low-fat cheesecake. I generally approve. I just have to ask: how is your low fat cheesecake lowfat? Isn't, like, the number one ingredient in cheesecake, like cheesecake? I just don't understand. On the other hand, though, your low-fat cheesecakes are seriously half crumble base. Which isn't cheesecake. It's crumble base. Which is very different. Still tasty, but very different. Just to let you know. I could make low-fat twinkies by selling half a twinky on a Saltine cracker base. But it wouldn't be a half-fat twinkie. Well, I guess it would, literally, be a half-fat twinkie, but it would be a suckie half-fat twinkie. Well, it would be a half twinkie with a saltine-cracker base. I guess my point is that it would suck. And your low-fat cheesecakes kinda suck. They're fine, really, but not exceptional. Just not exceptional. Just want you to know.

much love,
JuliaD
HomemadeHilarity.com

An Open Letter to My Dog

2009-09-08T13:20:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to My Dog

Dear Snuggles:

Please take note of the following...

No, I do not happen to find it cute when you decide to expel the contents of your special butt glands on the couch. Or my bed. Nor do I think it's adorable when you go and plant the aforementioned butt upon my favorite unblemished pillow.

That's not another pit bull across the room that just happens to look exactly like you and coincidentally barks at you at the exact same time as you bark at him. That would be a mirror.

You might want to consider the fact that if you eat something odd, it's probably gonna feel odd coming out the other end, too. Don't eat sticks, rocks, shards of glass, sea anemones, or discarded syringes otherwise it's almost certainly going to feel a bit pokey the second time around. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The same goes for trying to eat the frog you found in the yard. There will likely foaming at the mouth involved within seconds of getting hold of it.

Lastly, that one sticky-uppy ear, the eye patch and the ever wiggly-butt are incredibly endearing and yes, you may use those things to your advantage.

Love,

Heather

P.S. You are my most favoritest thing. Ever.

An Open Letter To Shawn & Heather

2009-08-19T23:00:00.001-05:00

Dear Shawn & Heather,

Where the hell are you guys?! I'm seriously thinking of hiring a David Addison/Maddie Hayes type PI team to find your whereabouts. Shark Tank hasn't posted in over an month now and Heather Cherry is right behind him. Julia, do you know where our missing authors are at? Seriously, I can't write this blog by myself! I have two other blogs to write!

Hope everything is okay,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter To Scarlett Johansson

2009-08-14T15:13:00.001-05:00

Dear ScarJo,

You can quit trying to be a singer anytime now. Seriously, you're not very good at it. On a sidenote, your husband is hot. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

Please Stick To Acting,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter To The Geek Squad

2009-08-04T15:32:00.001-05:00

Dear Geek Squad,

Thanks for taking THREE weeks to fix my computer. I probably could have figured out how to repair it in that amount of time. Oh, and thanks for NOT calling me to tell me it was ready to pick up. Awesome, awesome job guys. Do any of you EVER get laid? Just wondering.

F**k You All,

Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter to My Letter Opener

2009-07-15T13:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Letter Opener,

Hey, remember that time I used you once? Not to open a letter, but to take that screw out of the bottom of my desk, in lieu of a flathead screwdriver. You really came in handy and I wanted you to know I appreciated your help, even if I find my index finger more than capable of handling traditional letter opening situations.

Thanks,
Shawn

Open Letter To the Word Verification

2009-07-09T13:42:00.000-05:00

Deerrr Word Verification att thu bodum uv thu komint sexun uv mi fayvert blogggirz:

Wy doo yew lerk beeloh wen wee syn awff, staen tu thu vuree lasd menet, lyk thu lefd ovir dizguzteeng bakkwarsh inna 2-yeer ols sippeee kupp?

Uhbowt thu tym wee theenk wee arr dun maykn owr phunnee komints wee ind upp tripppen ovr yew. Soh itz tym yew herrd frum uhs. Juz reed ahn, yew liddl bockz uv nooisunz.

Awww, wut's thu maddur? Caynt reed thiz leddir??? Let's try it my way.

Perhaps a different font would make it a little more interesting, hmmm?!

Let's try a little Webdings...can ya read this????

Let's try a little Webdings...can ya read this????

No??? UH-oh! TOO bad, do over!!!! Do it over I said! Well, too bad. Go away and stop annoying all of us. You are not needed here.

Really perturbed (that's p-e-r-t-u-r-b-e-d),

Nan

PS- "Word Verification" indeed....how about ACTUAL words...it's not like you would ever run out....or how about spellcheck, you oxymoron!

[Editor's Note: After reading this letter I had to inform my mom, the author of this letter, that she has had Word Verification turned on in her blog settings all this time.]

Our First Award!

2009-07-06T15:18:00.000-05:00

We here at The Open Letters Blog would like to thank all the little people that made this award possible. We'd also like to thank the little chihuahua in a cup that made this award so cute. And I think I speak for my fellow bloggers when I say, "Thank you for the recognition!" Actually, I don't speak for the other guys... they're total ingrates.

Thanks to Lindsay over at the awesome blog Shrimp Salad Circus for the great award!

You LIKE us, you really LIKE us!

XOXO,

Heather Cherry

An Open Letter to the Person Who Painted the Ambulance I Saw Today

2009-07-02T08:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Ambulance Artists,

I don't know how to tell you this, but you completely BOTCHED the word "Ambulance" on the front of the vehicle. I realize dyslexia is a serious condition, but what you did was worse than dyslexia. It's almost like you did it on purpose. Well, funny joke...I guess...but an emergency vehicle doesn't really seem like the appropriate place for a prank. Just my opinion.

Sincerely,
Shawn

An Open Letter to the "Home" Key on My Keyboard

2009-06-29T09:42:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to the "Home" Key on My Keyboard

Dear "Home" Key:

How come you don't work? I have pressed you several times this morning yet here at work I remain. You suck.

Warmest regards,

Heather

P.S. Maybe I should invest in a Ruby Slippers Button.

An Open Letter To Fiber One Bars

2009-06-25T20:58:00.001-05:00

Dear Fiber One Bars,

Thank you for being truly delicious and making me have extremely satisfying poohs. If it weren't for your tasty little bars, I shudder to think how irregular I would be.

The Owner Of A Very Happy Colon,
Brooke Amanda

Open Letter to the Sport of Tennis

2009-06-25T10:15:00.000-05:00

Open Letter to the Sport of Tennis

Dear Tennis,

What is your deal? You obviously think your special. Using all those words like "love" and crap in your scores. What is wrong with a number score, huh? What do you have against 5-0, or "its tied up" or "scoreless". I mean, "deuce"? It isnt a card game for Pete's sake, its a sport with a ball, which should use the number system. Oh and if that isnt bad enough, your female players wear skirts. Well, la-ti-da, arent you something? Please. Oh, and your fans? Boring. Their polite little applause like they all sticks up their bums. How about some shouting in the stands? Or someone throwing a plastic beer cup, or a people with painted faces? Nope, too good for that obviously. Then you go and put yourself into a wii game, and now my children are using your ridiculous terms for scores, and frankly, its making me ill. Please stop the insanity.

Respectfully,

Obladi

A Baseball, Football and Soccer Mom

Open Letter to the Drunk Guy at the Concert in Chicago

2009-06-22T09:00:00.000-05:00

Open Letter to the Drunk Guy at the Concert in Chicago

Dear Across-the-aisle-just-3-feet-away-endlessly-puking-perpetually-spewing-idiot-who-had-WAAAAAAAAAY-too-much-beer-at-the-Corona-sponsored-tailgating-party-before-the-Kenny-Chesney-Sun-City-Carnival-Tour-concert-ever-even-started-at-4PM-so-that-you-were-totally-passed-out-while-providing- quite-the-disgustingly-memorable-projectile-emetic-show,

So. I'm guessing you won't ever eat peanuts again...am I right?

No pity for you,

Nan

PS- Too bad about your boots....and your shirt.....your jacket.......jeans....the guy in front of you...you idgit.

An Open Letter To That Crow That Keeps Saying, "Nevermore" Over and Over Again

2009-06-17T12:42:00.001-05:00

Dear Crow,

Dude, cut it out. That's so raven.

Thanks,
Shawn

An Open Letter to the Kid at the Grocery Store

2009-06-14T17:40:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to the Kid at the Grocery Store

An Open Letter to the Kid at the Grocery Store that Bagged My Groceries [read: one tiny bottle of salad dressing] and When I Asked if You Could Help Me Carry It Out to My Car You Said "Sure!":

I was kidding.

Thanks, though.

Sincerely,

Heather Cherry

An Open Letter To Dry-Lipped Crafters

2009-06-11T06:46:00.000-05:00

Dear Fellow Lip-Balm-Loving Crafters,

I can see what you're going for here. I really can. You've decided that you love your lip balm enough to bestow upon it a special lip-balm-cozy, and god bless you for your creative gumption. What I'm calling foul on here, though, isn't the relative pointlessness of these laboriously crafted chapstick protectors, shockingly. Instead, I would like to implore you to look, just seriously look, at the bizarre tomfuckery you put together for this purpose. And then maybe you can answer me why the top cozy appears to resemble some kind of massive and generally unnecessary lip-balm lion depository (although the lion does seem to be enjoying it an awful lot, I'll give you that), and the bottom one, well, I won't even go there.

Seriously people. Think these things through. If you have to put your chapstick away by shoving it up a felt lion's gaping ass, or by sliding it inside a suspiciously-shaped pastel knitted sock with balls, you have failed.

Just sayin'.

<3,
JuliaD
HomemadeHilarity.blogspot.com

An Open Letter To Publix Supermarkets, Inc.

2009-06-08T12:11:00.000-05:00

Dear Publix,

I write this letter with a heavy heart. For a long time, you've taken the strong lead when it comes to excellence in grocery, and I am proud to call you my favorite Florida supermarket. However, there is an issue I can no longer stand by and ignore.

Every time I purchase your ground beef, steaks, or pork chops, they go green and moldy within a single day of being in my pantry. Every time!

I've found myself forced to eat any such meats immediately upon returning home, leaving me with a situation where I am painfully full for one day, and then starving for the next six. I don't expect your meats to last forever, but I think they should be good for at least a few days, don't you agree?

Thinking of going to Piggly Wiggly,
Shawn

An Open Letter to the Kid Who Just Shot My Car With a Water Gun

2009-06-03T10:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Kid,

Really? Holding the water gun sideways, gangsta style?

Sincerely,
Shawn

An Open Letter to the Dudes in the House

2009-05-29T10:53:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to the Dudes in the House

Dear Fellas:

What is the deal with the hitting on me when I'm at my worst thing? I can be a sweaty, dirty, unwashed mess in a sloppy t-shirt and baggy yoga pants and you pick this time to flirt with me? I run to the Home Depot in the middle of a home improvement project or I schlep into PetSmart covered in dog fur to get Snuggles' nails ground down and apparently my ungroomed appearance translates to "Please check me out." I just don't get it. Why not when I'm all dolled up in a dress and red lipstick and all that crap? I have polled some male friends to figure out this phenomenon and I still don't understand. Don't get me wrong. It's flattering and all but it's just that..., seriously what the crap?

Please. Enlighten me.

Thanks,

Heather

cc: All mah grrrrrrrrls in the house... does this happen to you, too???

An Open Letter to the President of the Lou Bega Fan Club

2009-05-28T08:44:00.000-05:00

Dear Mambo5,

I think you can go ahead and shut it down.

Just letting you know,
Shawn

An Open Letter To Memorial Day

2009-05-25T10:29:00.001-05:00

Dear Memorial Day,

Why do have ALWAYS have to be rainy and cold?! It never fails...the day before you will be gorgeous and I'm lulled into a false sense of security. "Maybe this year will be different. Maybe I'll grill out or lay by the pool." Then, I wake up to the sound of rain falling and my dreams of a nice day off have been dashed. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me thirty years in a row, shame on me. Next year, I will NOT get my hopes up.

Sitting Inside Watching Crappy TV Shows,
Brooke Amanda

Open Letter to Isaac Newton

2009-05-23T14:24:00.000-05:00

Open Letter to Isaac Newton

Dear Mr. Newton,

I don't typically write about "personal" things but today is different. Being 50, every day I am reminded of your "science-changing" discovery. I mean really. Gravity?!? Come. ON!!! Thanks to you, my lovely facial structure is a thing of the past. The rosy cheeks I once had in my youth have migrated to the underside of my jawline. Instead of my Welsh/German/ English heritage being most evident by softly sculptured cheeks and patrician facial features, now I just look like a dang greedy chipmunk storing up food for the winter in its pouchy jowls. My other, er...um... cheeks used to garner compliments that would make me blush, but now they have taken up residence at a much lower altitude these days. Thanks to you, I'll be needing walking shorts pretty soon just to be decent in public. I went jogging yesterday and thought some one was running right on my heels, until I realized the 'whap-pa-ta, whap-whap-pa-ta" sound I was hearing was my below-sea-level mudflaps hitting the backs of my thighs. Way to go, Isaac! And let us not forget the inevitable, a woman's worst enemy, thanks to that big fat Red Delicious taking a bounce off your noggin. The air has certainly gone out of my tires.....and if you don't understand the analogy, well you been in the lab a liiiiitle too long. Let me tell you something, Mister. It's pretty bad when your mammo tech takes one look at your attributes, before placing your precious parts in that glorified drill press, and asks "Um, do you have implants?" A quick opening of the gown illicits a pitiful look from said mammo tech along with a mummur of "Oooooooohhhh, guess not." I reckon a picture's worth a thousand words. You could have come up with a better idea than Gravity. How about a Helium Brassiere? You could have called it the "Up, Up and Away". Or here's a thought- How about a simple jogging bra for the blessed amoung us, huh? WHY is that so hard? You science brainiacs can split the atom, and put people in space, but you can't come up with something that Paula Petralunga can jog in without looking like a freakshow or appear as if she is smuggling two small piglets under her wick-away shirt. (Obviously the heartfelt letter to Under Armour did NOT work.) Why couldn't you have discovered a way to DEFY gravity? There's a money-maker! Then every woman would love you. But instead we all have to find ways to lift, shift, undergird and overlay all sorts of things just to fight that never-ending gravitational pull!! History says that perhaps you died of mercury poisoning due to all of your strange experiments. But I wonder if you might have been strangled by an irate woman with a whale-boned corset or two...

Thanks from the bottom of MY EVERYTHING,

Nan

2009-05-21T10:00:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to the Doctor in the House

Dear Doc:

I have been eating these mini-bags of buttered popcorn from a box at the back of my pantry for weeks now. I just now saw that the bags are imprinted with the following: "Best by February 2009."

Am I going to die?

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

Heather

An Open Letter To John Mayer

2009-05-20T18:38:00.000-05:00

Dear John Mayer,

You are a COMPLETE DOUCHE!

Just wanted to let you know,
Shopgirl101

An Open Letter To The Boogeyman In My Closet

2009-05-19T10:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Boogeyman,

While you're in there, would you mind separating my button down shirts from my tees? At some point, they got all mixed together and it's become quite the hassle trying to get dressed in the morning.

Thanks so much,
Shawn

An Open Letter To Sam's Club

2009-05-14T20:56:00.001-05:00

Holy shit! I just had the pleasure of being inside you for the first time tonight...and not in a dirty way. I was mesmerized by all your ginormous goods. Am I EVER going to eat a 30 pack of frozen turkey burgers? No, but it was only $8! If I had more room in my apartment, I would have bought the 50 pack of toilet paper, too.

And you don't just have food...I saw packs of grannie panties, swimwear, plants, furniture, books, movies...the list is endless. Families were eating in your food court. YOU HAVE A FOOD COURT! I could live in you and never want for anything again. If I could afford a $25 a month membership to you, I would sign up in a heartbeat.

Alas, I am not a member, so I don't know when I will grace you with my presence again. Hopefully sooner than later.

I miss you already,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter To That Owl In The Park

2009-05-14T08:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Owl,

Me! It's me, Shawn! Now keep your voice down!

Sincerely,
Shawn

An Open Letter to the Unmarried Peoples of the World

2009-05-12T10:21:00.001-05:00

This is an open letter to anyone planning on getting married. Ever.

(Please excuse the all-caps. I am not yelling, I am just typing loudly.)

Dear unmarried peoples of the world:

CAMO IS NOT AN OPTION FOR YOUR WEDDING FINERY. AT LEAST, IT SHOULDN'T BE. IT IS INAPPROPRIATE. INAPPROPRIATE, I TELL YOU, UNLESS YOU PLAN ON HUNTING DOWN AND KILLING YOUR SPOUSE AT THE RECEPTION AND YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE YOUR GARTER BELT COMING. IN WHICH CASE, YOU SHOULD ALSO CONSIDER RUBBING YOURSELF DOWN WITH THEIR URINE FIRST, WHICH WILL, I'M TOLD, MASK YOUR OWN ODOR LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BE ABLE TO GET RIGHT UP BEHIND THEM SO YOU CAN GET A CLEAR SHOT. THAT IS THE ONLY SITUATION IN WHICH CAMOUFLAGE WEDDING ACCESSORIES ARE IN ANY WAY ACCEPTABLE. DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THEY ARE HIDEOUS.

DESPITE WHATEVER THIS SITE MAY HAVE YOU BELIEVE.

Thanks for listening. It needed to be said.

Love always,
JuliaD

p.s.: shit-coloured roses probably aren't the best idea either, just so you know.

An Open Letter To My Parakeets

2009-05-11T23:28:00.001-05:00

Dear Sonny & Cher,

Please stop staring at me and play with your damn toys already! I spent a butt-ton of money on various colorful, wooden, hangy-things for your pimped-out cage and do you two appreciate them? No! All you do is sit on your perch and preen each other. I'm over it. If you don't start ringing the bell soon, I'm going to have to separate you. Oh, and eat the veggies I put in your seed bowl...they're good for you.

Just trying to be a good mom,
Brooke Amanda

An open letter to Shawn

2009-05-10T19:17:00.001-05:00

Dear Shawn,

omg dude. Your photoshop skillz are amazing. Really astounding. You should totally be proud of yourself. When I saw your portrait of me I thought at first that I was looking in a mirror. Seriously. Well done.

<3,
JuliaD

An Open Letter to Home Depot

2009-05-10T18:13:00.000-05:00

Dear Home Depot,

I am really beginning to hate you. First, you NEVER have what I need. Ever. Although you are the biggest hardware store in the world, you have squat. Secondly, your help blows. Your "experts" are more often than not a bunch of idiots. I took a PAMPHLET with me for a valve for a sprinkler system, with the part number circled and showed your "expert" what I needed, for Pete's sake. He gave me something that was NOT what I needed. When I said that it was wrong, he treated me like an ignorant female, and evidently one who couldnt read. So, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, after all he was the "expert". Guess what Home Depot? It was the wrong part. I do hope that you enjoyed my husband's little visit to your establishment, with wrong part and pamphlet in hand, and a lack of being amused. Supposedly the "expert" had left for the day, but I know the truth. He was hiding behind the conduit display. A moron AND a coward. Way to go Home Depot, way to go.

Signed,

Obladi Oblada

An Open Letter to Donald Duck

2009-05-10T11:52:00.000-05:00

Dear Donald,

Huh?

Thanks,
Shawn

An Open Letter To That Guy Who Just Said "It's Not The Heat, It's The Humidity"

2009-05-08T08:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Heat/Humidity Pontificator,

Not for nothing, but you do realize you're trapped in an oven, right?

Just checking,
Shawn

An Open Letter To Kate Gosling

2009-05-07T00:12:00.001-05:00

Dear Kate,

Girl, looks like your man, John, has gone astray. I'm sooo shocked by this news, seeing as how having eight children must not be stressful to a marriage whatsoever. And the fact that they're all the same age must make it even easier on you two. I'm sure potty training a gaggle of toddlers was super fun! Oh, and the fact that you act like an uber-bitch 99% of the time must give ol' Johnny Boy an instant erection.

Don't get me wrong, I would probably have permanent PMS, too, if I was in your position. But why don't you try dialing down the whole "emasculating ball & chain thing" and see how that goes. Maybe take a day off from screaming orders at him every once in a while, 'cause I don't know too many men in the market for a single mom with eight kids, if you know what I mean.

Just trying to be helpful,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter to openletterblog.blogspot.com

2009-05-06T08:35:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to openletterblog.blogspot.com

Dear openletterblog.blogspot.com:

You were set up 4 years ago by this Sean Williams guy and there's been nothing done with you, save for a "test" post. Why do you exist? Just to taunt us? Since we didn't secure your domain name first? Not only that but your owner, Mr. Williams, also had to take up openlettersblog.blogspot.com, too? And do nothing with it either?

What gives?

Sincerely,

Heather

cc:

"Eric Simpson" at openletters.blogspot.com (one entry in 2001)
"Jason" at openletter.blogspot.com (not updated since 2002)

An open letter to Heather

2009-05-05T05:56:00.000-05:00

Dear Heather,

Thanks for getting back to me, and I really appreciate your honesty. In fact, I probably shouldn't be typing this, but your tart frankness kinda turns me on. Kinda riles me up. Kinda gets me hot and bothered. I could go on. So, if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me. I got a full-body latex suit and a riding crop already oiled up and waiting to go.

xoxoxo,
Rod Stewart

An Open Letter to Mario

2009-05-04T13:37:00.001-05:00

Dear Mario,

Thank you! But our princess is in another castle.

Regrets,
Shawn

An Open Letter to Rod Stewart

2009-05-04T09:16:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to Rod Stewart

Dear Mr. Stewart:

No, I do not want your body, nor do I think you are sexy. I’m just letting you know.

Thanks for your inquiry,

Heather

An Open Letter To Funky Facts

2009-05-02T22:54:00.001-05:00

Dear Funky Facts,

Stop going around giving me and my blogging posse frownie faces on Humor-Blogs.com. Since you're only 17 years old, I'll be nice because MAYBE you don't realize how this whole blogging thing works. First of all, if you want people to read your blog (and in case you didn't know, 99% of people who read blogs are your fellow bloggers) you need to create a postive relationship with us. Which means, you DO NOT give frownie faces to blog posts that are actually very funny. If you don't like them, just don't do anything...it's that simple. But don't be a douche and give a frownie face because that actually deducts point from a post. This is your warning...trust me, you don't want me to sic my blogging bitch Queenie on you. I'm pretty sure she makes grown men cry and would make you shit yourself. So...just stop what you're doing and we'll be cool, kepeesh?

Don't Be A Dick,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter To Spring

2009-05-01T20:48:00.001-05:00

Dear Spring,

Where the hell are you?! Maybe you've graced other parts of the country with your presence, but not Illinois. It's the end of April and I still have my electric blanket on my bed. How messed up is that? You teased all of us in March with a few nice days and even the beginning of the month was nice. I moved all my plants out to my balcony. Well, guess what? THEY'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD NOW!
I know what you're up to, Spring. You did this to us last year, too. You got lazy, probably started drinking again and you forgot to do your job. One day it was winter and the next it was 90 degrees. Yeah, that's right, we went straight into summer. I swear on all the is holy & pure that you better get your godamn act together and not pull this shit twice in a row. I want sunny, mid-70's weather pronto. I am still WAY to pale to rock out shorts yet.

Don't Make Me Hurt You,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter to Nickelback

2009-04-29T19:54:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to Nickelback

Dear Nickelback:

Please do us all a favor and stopping making what doesn't even bear a passing resemblance to music. No, seriously.

With greatest appreciation,

Everyone in the World

NOTE: Funny story... I had this post in my drafts and just hadn't posted it yet when I came across another blogger's Open Letter to Nickelback! Check out Shawn's awesome version at The Shark Tank.

An Open Letter to Dust

2009-04-28T19:57:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to Dust

Dear Dust:

Where the heck do you come from? Seriously. What's your deal?

Thanks in advance for any information you might be able to provide,

Me

An Open Letter to LOST

2009-04-23T19:59:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to LOST

Dear Favoritest Show Ever:

It really isn't necessary for you to do a recap show every 3 weeks. Please air more actual episodes. Thanks in advance.

All my love,

Heather

An Open Letter to Everyone I Know

2009-04-22T20:01:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to Everyone I Know

Dear Jerks:

As you can see from the email reprinted below, I’m gonna be rich, bee-yotches! I’ve already quit my job and I’m moving to Fiji! Catch all you suckas on the flip-flop!

In closing I would like to say... I am WAY too good for you. I really do mean that, from the bottom of my heart.

Love always,

Heather

------------------------------------------------------------

From: DR MOSES AJIBADE (drmoses.ajibade@yahoo.com)

Sent: Wed 5:20 AM

Dear Friend,

I am using this opportunity to thank you for your great effort to our unfinished transfer of fund into your account due to one reason or the other best known to you. But I want to inform you that I have successfully transferred the Cheque out of the company to someone else who was capable of assisting me in this great venture.

Due to your effort, sincerity, courage and trustworthiness you showed at the course of the transaction I want to compensate you and show my gratitude to you with the sum of $843,000,00 ( EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS).

I have authorized the finance house where I deposited my money to issue you international certified bank draft cash able at your bank. I do know you might be seeing the compensation as to small compared to the total sum pursued for but you just have to bear with it for the German doctor whom assisted in the fund transfer made a lot of expenses.

Meanwhile be inform that cost of shipment and the insurance coverage of certified cashier check are at your expenses which we have bargain with the courier company to make less expensive for you to be able to get your parcel without any form of delay.

You are to contact the financial controller of FIRST FINANCIAL BANK PLC via email or via phone which is below.

CONTACT Mr ADETUNJI PETERS WITH YOUR PRESENT INFORMATIONS IF DIFFRENT FROM THE OTHER SO HE CAN ATTEND TO YOU ASAP.
BELOW ARE HIS CONTACT INFO.

TELEPHONE NUMBER: +234-70-23192278
EMAIL:adetunjipeters@gmail.com

At the moment, I am very busy here because of the investment projects which myself and my new partner are having at hand.
Please I will like you to accept this token with good faith as this is from the bottom of my heart.

Contact Mr ADETUNJI PETERS now .
Thanks and God bless you and your family.

Best Regards
DR MOSES AJIBADE

An Open Letter To Aunt Flo

2009-04-21T20:23:00.001-05:00

Dear Aunt Flo,

Bitch, where the hell have you been the last two weeks?! I'm just going along, thinking everything is fine and dandy, expecting you any minute and then...nothing. I start to freak out, think maybe my "pull out and pray" method of birth control is perhaps not the most effective for a single girl to be using. You even made me go so far as to look up "early signs of pregnancy" on Web MD! Aunt Flo, you had me thinking about my future, picking out cribs online, thinking about how I would have to turn my guest room into a nursery. You made me have the "awkward talk" with the prospective baby daddy about a possible bun in the oven.

And, FINALLY, you show up all late and totally unapologetic. You also brought with you an uninvited guest, PMS. She's a real bitch. She makes me want to cry and rip someone's face off all at the same time. I swear to God, Aunt Flo, the next time you put me through something like this, we're finished. I'm scheduling a hysterectomy and getting all my lady parts removed so you can't fuck with me anymore. Either that, or I better be preggers cause if I'm going through all that stress, I'm getting a cute baby out of it. Oh, and you better stop by the store cause I'm all out of tampons.

Feeling crampy,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter to Inspector No. 84

2009-04-19T20:06:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to Inspector No. 84

Dear Inspector No. 84:

I found your little inspection sticker on my underpants. I just wanted to say, thank you for inspecting my underpants. That was really nice of you. Also, I was just curious… do you have a badge or a license or something? Because I bet you could get a lot of girls that way. Telling them you’re an Official Underpants Inspector. Girls love classy stuff like that.

Thanks again,

Heather

An Open Letter to the Moth That Got Into My Closet

2009-04-09T21:32:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to the Moth That Got Into My Closet and Chewed Itty-Bitty Holes into My Favorite Pair of Pants

Dear Moth:

Not cool, dude. Not. Cool.

Yours truly,

Owner of Pants

P.S. What other things do you hate? Cuz I’m certainly not using those stinky moth balls to get rid of you so you can forget that. I refuse to let my clothes smell like those of an octogenarian. Shall I toss a Nickelback CD in there at you? Just kidding. I would never buy a Nickelback CD.

An Open Letter To Miley Cyrus

2009-04-09T20:27:00.001-05:00

Dear Miley,

Why the fuck are you EVERYWHERE? How do I even know who you are? I thought I was done with your hillbilly family after your dad's incredibly annoying "Achy Breaky Heart" finally faded away. But no, he had an ace in his pocket (or should I say his sperm) when you were born. I first remember hearing about you because my nephew had a crush on your ass a few years ago. That's when you were better known as "Hannah Montana" and hadn't yet blossomed into the full-blown whore you are now.

At first, I thought, "What a cute kid. She's funny and she can sing, too." Then, almost overnight, you turned into this big-lipped 16 year old slut who's fucking a 20 year old. Hmm, do you still wear your purity ring? I'm thinking that's a big "hell no" since the last pics I saw of you were not so pure. You had on a wet, white t-shirt with a bikini top underneath and you were helping your fuck buddy "wash" his car. I'm just curious, aren't you a millionare? Couldn't you PAY someone to wash the damn car? Or did you just want to get some wet t-shirt pics into all the tabloids?

I can't wait until five years from now when you will either be a complete washed up has been ala your daddy or just another strung out drug addicted child star ala Lindsey Lohan. You better get knocked up soon so you too can have a dynamic kid just like yourself and ride their coat tails when you're forty... and the tale of the Cyrus family saga continues.

P.S.- I hope you and your loser best friend read this and then make fun of it on your super cool YouTube broadcasts. They are not dumb, lame, or mindnumbing to watch whatsoever.

Hope this makes you cry,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter To Dunkin' Donuts

2009-04-04T20:32:00.001-05:00

Dear Dunkin' Donuts,

First off, let me congratulate you on making a coffee that is so highly addictive, I would be scared to drink it while pregnant for fear my children will be low birth weight and go through withdrawls. But the real reason I'm writing this letter is to nominate your employee, Gene, for "Employee of The Month." Gene works the drive-thru window at my local Dunkin' Donuts and can recognize my voice instantly. That means either he has a really good ear, or I go to your establishment way too fucking much.
Our exchange every morning goes something like this:
Gene: "Welcome to Dunkin' Donuts. May I take your order?"
Me: "Yes, I'd like a large coffee with cream and sugar, please."
Gene: "And a ham, egg, and cheese on an English muffin?"
Me: "Yes, please." I don't have the heart to special order it because I haven't eaten pork since I was 14. I just don't want to ruin our banter. I throw the ham away when I get to work. Plus, I kind of like the hammy flavor it leaves.
Gene: "Okay Brooke. See you at the window."
It's like he knows my soul! What a phenomenal guy! On a side note, I have no idea what ethnicity Gene is. Maybe Filipino? He has a definite accent and an interesting look that I just can't place. And I highly doubt Gene is his real name. I'm sure he had to Americanize it for "the man" and I think that shows a great team spirit as well. He could be the manager someday! Gene is a definite keeper and I would promote him through the Dunkin' Donuts ranks as quickly as possible. Maybe he could even star in your next commercial. Just a thought.

Keep making your crack coffee,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter To The 7-11 Manager Who Added Me To The "Banned for Life" List

2009-03-27T12:53:00.000-05:00

Dear 7-11 Manager,

You should really post a sign reading, "Do not drink directly from the nozzle" on your Slurpee machine if that is your store policy.

Thanks,

Shawn

An Open Letter To Girl Scout Cookies

2009-03-26T20:35:00.000-05:00

Dear Girl Scout Cookies,

Why are you so goddamn delicious? I think you are made with equal parts crack, puppies, and baby smell because all those things are awesome AND highly addictive. And I hate you for that. Just a handful of your scrumptiousness has more calories than a Thanksgiving meal with all the trimmings. How is that even possible? I know that every spring, you send out your little army of green sashed bitches to tug at my heart-strings and make me buy more boxes than a single girl could ever need. Oh, just freeze us and save us for later you say. NO! I want to eat you box by box in some Romanesque orgy fashion. I want to gorge on you until I am sick and ready to puke. Having a box in my house that hasn't been eaten yet is like a sex addict having a porn in the DVD player and trying not to watch it. IT CAN'T BE DONE!
I also have a bone to pick with you reguarding your recent name changes. Why are Samoa's now called Carmel De-Lites and Tag-A-Longs now called Peanut Butter Patties? I liked the old names. And what happened to the original Girl Scout Shortbread Cookie that was shaped like a Girl Scout's head? Did some Debbie Downer decide it was too morbid to eat a Girl Scout's head? I never liked them anyway, but it's still the principle of the matter. I like tradition. You show a box of them on your website, but they were nowhere to be found on the order form I filled out. Maybe you should look into that and consider bringing all the old stuff back. Don't worry, you could call your cookies "Nut Sack Sweat" and I would still eat them. I love you. I'll be seeing you next spring.

A former Brownie,
Shopgirl101

An Open Letter to the White Gumball

2009-03-25T20:09:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to the White Gumball That Came Out of the Machine

Dear White Gumball:

I didn’t want you. I really wanted the red one. Perhaps even pink or red. Heck, I'd even take orange over you, White Gumball. Please remember this next time so that we can avoid any awkwardness.

Many thanks,

Heather

P.S. Are you by chance related to Greg and Bryant?

An Open Letter To The nake In My Backyard

2009-03-24T12:55:00.000-05:00

Dear nake,

I have een you in the yard, lithering through the bu he and hi ing at me when I get too clo e. It' time for you to leave, plea e.

incerely,

hawn

CC: Dell Computer , INC.

Dear Dell,

A certain letter on my keyboard no longer work . Plea e end replacement.

Thank ,

hawn

An Open Letter to My Eyebrows

2009-03-19T20:10:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to My Eyebrows

Dear Eyebrows:

Why is it that every time I pluck you, you just insist on coming back? I would think that you would take the hint eventually. I guess not, though. So, let me be blunt. You aren’t wanted here.

Thanks in advance,

Heather

An Open Letter To That Guy Trying To Break Down My Front Door With An Ax

2009-03-19T12:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Ax Guy,

You know it's open, right?

Sincerely,
Shawn

An Open Letter to the Squirrels Living in My Attic

2009-03-14T20:12:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to the Squirrels Living in My Attic

Dear Squirrels:

Seriously? It's been, like, 3 years and you're still up there? You're really acting like buttholes. Please go away. I hate you.

Warmest regards,

Me

P.S. You're annoying the crap out of my dog.

An Open Letter To The Lone Onion Ring In My Box of Burger King Fries

2009-03-10T12:58:00.000-05:00

Dear Onion Ring,

Why are you here? Are you a stowaway? A promotional tactic? A bonus? Please respond.

Thanks,
Shawn

An Open Letter to the Skanky Guy

2009-03-09T20:13:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to the Skanky Guy

Dear Skanky Guy Who Pulled up Next to Me at a Red Light the Other Day and Said, “What Kind of Car is That?” to Which I Replied, “A Smart Car,” and Then You Asked, “Do You Plug it in?” and I Answered, “No, I Wind it up With a Gigantic Key,” While Pantomiming the Winding of a Gigantic Invisible Key, and You Were All, “Really?” and I Was Like, “No.” And Then You Asked, "Can I Drive It?" and to Your Great Surprise I Was Like, "No!" And Then When You Saw Snuggles in the Passenger Seat, You Queried, “Is That a Pit?” and When I Answered, “Yes,” You Said, “Oh. That’s Tight.” And Then You Were Like, “Are You Single?” and I Was Like, “No.” and You Were All, “Oh. Okay. Have a Nice Evening, Then”:

Don’t. Don’t do that.

Sincerely,

An Open Letter To My Eye Doctor

2009-03-04T12:59:00.000-06:00

Dear Dr. O'Brien,

I couldn't really tell the difference between 1 and 2. I just lied and said I could to make the whole thing go away.

Sincerely,
Shawn