An Open Letter To That Rotten Egg I Just Threw Out

Dear Rotten Egg,

I feel bad about what I've done. What if you used to be a kid who just happened to be the last one to do something? What a terrible fate.

Apologetically,
Shawn

An Open Letter To Everyone Who Has Ever Showed Me a Video Online

Dear Video-Sharers,

Could you, uh, move that cursor? No, I mean, it's just that...well it's right in the way, if you could just...yeah, yeah, just move it right out of the way there. Thanks.

With appreciation,
Shawn

P.S. Just go ahead and let that buffer before you call me over.

An Open Letter to Answers.com

Dear Answers.com (or is it "WikiAnswers"? I don't really know),

Just the other day, I was finishing up my presentation to the National Board of Endangered Species Protection, and I needed to know how many camels were left in the world. The usual sources of information were of no help, so in desperation I turned to you:




And, as I expected, your reputation remained untarnished as you supplied me with the correct answer in record time:




Thanks, Answers.com! I'll let you know how the presentation goes!

With gratitude,
Shawn

An Open Letter to Parking Lot Drivers

Written from the center of the crosswalk, heading from the Best Buy parking lot to the store:

Dear drivers,

What's the rush? Hey, you see that sign there? The one with the pretty red paint and the white letters and the octagonal shape? Yeah, that's a stop sign. It means, "Take your stupid foot off your stupid gas pedal and put it on your stupid brake pedal." You ignorant hunchback. The more impatient you look, the slower I will walk. I might even decide I need to start crawling, or pull out a pen and paper and compose a letter while you sit there in your fancy pants automobile, listening to some sort of god awful music that sounds like the screams of a thousand innocent souls. Best Buy isn't going anywhere. Not today, anyway. Just chill, dude-mar. Just chill.

Sincerely,
Shawn

An Open Letter To Parking Lot Pedestrians

Written from my car while stopped, waiting for pedestrians to go from the parking lot into Best Buy and vice versa:

Dear Pedestrians,

I mean, I know it would be physically possible for you to walk a little slower, but can't we test out the limits of your turtle-like progression at another time?? I just want to get to my parking space and get inside, you know? Oh, that's wonderful, more people are coming out of the store now and I'll have to wait for them as well! My car is starting to overheat! WHY ARE YOU SHUFFLING YOUR FEET?? Are you afraid you might step on a stingray? Pick up the pace, you ASSOSAURUS!

Sincerely,
Shawn

An Open Letter To 5-Hour Energy

Dear 5-Hour Energy Drink,

I never tried you before today. I was fearful of what you may do to my body and stuck closely by my trusty Cup O’Joe to give me the boost I needed to make it through my work day. But I had a horrible sleep last night and my coffee mug and energy levels were on low, so I decided to give you a shot. After all, my co-worker takes you all the time, so I thought, “What’s the worst that could happen? Cardiac arrest? Seizures?”

So throwing caution to the wind I guzzled down just half a bottle to play it on the safe side. And, boy oh boy, you didn’t disappoint, Energy! At first I felt no difference, but within minutes I could feel my heart racing and my head spinning. Dare I say I even felt a bit drunk. Is that your secret ingredient, Energy? Alcohol?

With my new found buzz, I was able to speed through the last remaining hours of my workday with all the hopped up jittery-ness of a crackhead who just got a big fix after weeks of withdrawal. Thanks, Energy! I am choosing to ignore the moments in my day when I felt like I was going to faint and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking… and the point were I crashed so hard I felt like a coma victim and wasn’t sure if I could drive home. The point is, you did perk me up and that’s all that matters!

P.S.- I’m switching back to coffee IMMEDIANTLY.

Hyperly yours,
Brooke Amanda

An Open Letter to Angry Birds

Dear Angry Birds,

You have to be the dumbest game ever put on this planet, and I include Monopoly in that number. God, you're so retarded, and anyone who plays you is equally retarded! I, for one, do not intend to ever play you again. And I mean that.

One more level, and I'm done.

All right, well, that one was easy, but after this next level, I am deleting you and you will be out of my life forever.

God, has anything on this earth ever been invented that is as useless as that green boomerang bird?? Oh, right. Egg shaped bird.

Ok, I'm done. Seriously. I'm not going to spend the next fifteen minutes trying to knock down that structure and kill those bitchly-ass pigs. It doesn't even make sense. The physics are terrible. Goodbye. Turning it off.

In just a sec...

Angrily,
Shawn