An Open Letter To Martha Stewart

Dear God, Martha. Seriously. While this lobster baby would be tasty, I'm sure, with some melted garlic butter and horseradish, it's still a lobster stuffed with live baby at the end of the day. Jesus Christ.

<3, JuliaD
homemadehilarity.com

Dear Weight-Watchers

Dear Weight Watchers:

I have tried your low-fat cheesecake. I generally approve. I just have to ask: how is your low fat cheesecake lowfat? Isn't, like, the number one ingredient in cheesecake, like cheesecake? I just don't understand. On the other hand, though, your low-fat cheesecakes are seriously half crumble base. Which isn't cheesecake. It's crumble base. Which is very different. Still tasty, but very different. Just to let you know. I could make low-fat twinkies by selling half a twinky on a Saltine cracker base. But it wouldn't be a half-fat twinkie. Well, I guess it would, literally, be a half-fat twinkie, but it would be a suckie half-fat twinkie. Well, it would be a half twinkie with a saltine-cracker base. I guess my point is that it would suck. And your low-fat cheesecakes kinda suck. They're fine, really, but not exceptional. Just not exceptional. Just want you to know.

much love,
JuliaD
HomemadeHilarity.com

An Open Letter To Dry-Lipped Crafters

Dear Fellow Lip-Balm-Loving Crafters,

I can see what you're going for here. I really can. You've decided that you love your lip balm enough to bestow upon it a special lip-balm-cozy, and god bless you for your creative gumption. What I'm calling foul on here, though, isn't the relative pointlessness of these laboriously crafted chapstick protectors, shockingly. Instead, I would like to implore you to look, just seriously look, at the bizarre tomfuckery you put together for this purpose. And then maybe you can answer me why the top cozy appears to resemble some kind of massive and generally unnecessary lip-balm lion depository (although the lion does seem to be enjoying it an awful lot, I'll give you that), and the bottom one, well, I won't even go there.

Seriously people. Think these things through. If you have to put your chapstick away by shoving it up a felt lion's gaping ass, or by sliding it inside a suspiciously-shaped pastel knitted sock with balls, you have failed.

Just sayin'.

<3,
JuliaD
HomemadeHilarity.blogspot.com

An Open Letter to the Unmarried Peoples of the World

This is an open letter to anyone planning on getting married. Ever.

(Please excuse the all-caps. I am not yelling, I am just typing loudly.)

Dear unmarried peoples of the world:

CAMO IS NOT AN OPTION FOR YOUR WEDDING FINERY. AT LEAST, IT SHOULDN'T BE. IT IS INAPPROPRIATE. INAPPROPRIATE, I TELL YOU, UNLESS YOU PLAN ON HUNTING DOWN AND KILLING YOUR SPOUSE AT THE RECEPTION AND YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE YOUR GARTER BELT COMING. IN WHICH CASE, YOU SHOULD ALSO CONSIDER RUBBING YOURSELF DOWN WITH THEIR URINE FIRST, WHICH WILL, I'M TOLD, MASK YOUR OWN ODOR LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BE ABLE TO GET RIGHT UP BEHIND THEM SO YOU CAN GET A CLEAR SHOT. THAT IS THE ONLY SITUATION IN WHICH CAMOUFLAGE WEDDING ACCESSORIES ARE IN ANY WAY ACCEPTABLE. DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THEY ARE HIDEOUS.

DESPITE WHATEVER THIS SITE MAY HAVE YOU BELIEVE.

Thanks for listening. It needed to be said.

Love always,
JuliaD

p.s.: shit-coloured roses probably aren't the best idea either, just so you know.

An open letter to Shawn

Dear Shawn,

omg dude. Your photoshop skillz are amazing. Really astounding. You should totally be proud of yourself. When I saw your portrait of me I thought at first that I was looking in a mirror. Seriously. Well done.

<3,
JuliaD

An open letter to Heather

Dear Heather,

Thanks for getting back to me, and I really appreciate your honesty. In fact, I probably shouldn't be typing this, but your tart frankness kinda turns me on. Kinda riles me up. Kinda gets me hot and bothered. I could go on. So, if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me. I got a full-body latex suit and a riding crop already oiled up and waiting to go.

xoxoxo,
Rod Stewart