An Open Letter To My Friend, Whose Novel I've Been Editing

Dear Ron,

"Cocksure" is a fine word, and it has its place in the language. Not in the way you've been using it, though. Not in that way at all.

Thanks,
Shawn

An Open Letter To Mike Myers

Dear Mike Myers,

It’s getting to be that time of year again! Halloween is only a couple weeks away. Damn, you’re probably exhausted from decades of murdering helpless victims all over Haddonfield, IL. You must be well into your 60’s by now and I was just curious…are you going to retire soon? I saw in your last film what I thought to be signs of arthritis in your right hand. Something about the way you were holding the ax while decapitating your latest victim just didn’t look right. Since your twilight years are upon you, I would like to extend an invitation to be your retirement life coach!

I know you’re probably thinking, “What the hell am I going to do if I retire? What does an ex-psycho, ax murdering killer have to offer the world?” Don’t get down on yourself, Mikey! There are plenty of things you could do to pass the time. Have you ever thought about hitting the lecture circuit? I’m sure there are lots of aspiring serial killers out there who would love to learn the tricks of the trade! You could even partner up with Jason and Freddy and have a three-for-one deal. I know, I know…you’re horrible shy (hence the William Shatner mask), so public speaking may not be the best choice.

Some other great options would be knitting (but don’t even think about using the needles as a weapon!), basket weaving, square dancing, antiquing, painting…the list is really endless. I also STRONGLY urge you to write your memoirs. Since literacy isn’t really your thing, I would be more than happy to ghost write them for you. Just let me know a time and date when we can sit down together and brainstorm an outline. I KNOW your book would be a bestseller!

Good luck with everything this Halloween, as I really feel it will be your last one before you hang up your ax. Have fun and make it your best killing spree yet! I expect to see you on the news on November 1st, ha ha!

Best Wishes With The Murdering,
Brooke

An Open Letter To Sam's Club

Holy shit! I just had the pleasure of being inside you for the first time tonight...and not in a dirty way. I was mesmerized by all your ginormous goods. Am I EVER going to eat a 30 pack of frozen turkey burgers? No, but it was only $8! If I had more room in my apartment, I would have bought the 50 pack of toilet paper, too.

And you don't just have food...I saw packs of grannie panties, swimwear, plants, furniture, books, movies...the list is endless. Families were eating in your food court. YOU HAVE A FOOD COURT! I could live in you and never want for anything again. If I could afford a $25 a month membership to you, I would sign up in a heartbeat.

Alas, I am not a member, so I don't know when I will grace you with my presence again. Hopefully sooner than later.

I miss you already,
Brooke Amanda