An Open Letter To Aunt Flo

Dear Aunt Flo,

Bitch, where the hell have you been the last two weeks?! I'm just going along, thinking everything is fine and dandy, expecting you any minute and then...nothing. I start to freak out, think maybe my "pull out and pray" method of birth control is perhaps not the most effective for a single girl to be using. You even made me go so far as to look up "early signs of pregnancy" on Web MD! Aunt Flo, you had me thinking about my future, picking out cribs online, thinking about how I would have to turn my guest room into a nursery. You made me have the "awkward talk" with the prospective baby daddy about a possible bun in the oven.

And, FINALLY, you show up all late and totally unapologetic. You also brought with you an uninvited guest, PMS. She's a real bitch. She makes me want to cry and rip someone's face off all at the same time. I swear to God, Aunt Flo, the next time you put me through something like this, we're finished. I'm scheduling a hysterectomy and getting all my lady parts removed so you can't fuck with me anymore. Either that, or I better be preggers cause if I'm going through all that stress, I'm getting a cute baby out of it. Oh, and you better stop by the store cause I'm all out of tampons.

Feeling crampy,
Brooke Amanda