An Open Letter to My Dogs

An Open Letter to My Dogs

Dear Snuggles and Clover:

Good gravy, what in the world did you two eat? Are you even aware that your farts can penetrate Kevlar? The next time I need to sandblast something I'll just bottle some of your abominable flatulence. You have a permanent fog hovering around you like Pigpen from Peanuts. I no longer have any nose hair. Your farts can peel varnish and dissolve acid. True story, I once saw a pit bull fart make Chuck Norris cry. The smell is so bad my eyes are watering and my nose is running. And by "my nose is running" I mean, like, my nose literally jumped off my face and ran away in fear and revulsion. It went into the Witness Protection Program and now I'll never find it. The fallout is truly heinous. The blast radius is the width of a city block. I now have a new theory for what killed off the dinosaurs.

With nothing but love for you (but not your gas),

Heather

Our bad.

An Open Letter To My Upstairs Neighbors

Dear Neighbors,

What's it like owning an elephant? I had no idea they did so much jumping!

Curious,
Shawn

An Open Letter To Anyone With a Bumper Sticker

Dear Sticker-Mongers,

We don't care. No really, no one does.

Nobody cares that your kid made the honor roll and absolutely no one cares that your kid beat up another honor roll student.

Nobody cares who you voted for in the last election and no one was going to blame you, anyway.

Nobody cares about your fish, or about your fish with legs.

Nobody gives a flying shitwaffle if you have a baby on board, or what the make-up of your family looks like, as created by stick figures.

Nobody cares if Jesus is your co-pilot, if you're "salt life", who you support in the NASCAR event, if you never learned anything else about Islam after 9/11, if your other car is a broomstick, if you'd rather be fishing, or WHAT YOU THINK CALVIN SHOULD BE PISSING ON!

It looks dumb, and you should feel dumb.

Sincerely,
Shawn

Attention! Attention!

OMG are you so excited to hear this?

In the past we have posted a handful of guest blogger letters, but here's the breaking news: we have officially decided to take submissions of your own Open Letters to post on this here blog! Can you even believe it? Click the badge on the sidebar if you've got something to say. An esteemed Board of Directors will make a decision on the letters that will make the final cut, and who knows? Maybe you'll see your name in lights one day! And by "name in lights" I mean "name on this blog".

Do it! Do it now!

An Open Letter to Shawn

An Open Letter to Shawn


Dear Shawn:


I added some labels to your last post.


You're welcome,

Heather

An Open Letter To Dragon Naturally Speaking ("written" with Dragon Naturally Speaking)

Dear Dragon,

It's been a pleasure and a delight to use your speech recognition software, freeing my hands to publish more important tacks such as: digging through the bag of Cheetos for those final crimes, messing about with my electronic cigarette, and handwriting ideas for future blog posts. It will only be a matter of time before I can dispense with my keyboard and mouse altogether, thus earning me the final merit badge in my quest to become the laziest man alive.

Many would shy away from writing a letter such as this for fear that it might be seen as an improper product indoors mint. Not I however, when a piece of software is capable as you are Dragon pirouette peer. I have no qualms about shouting it from the nearest rooftop. And make no mistake about it, I really am shouting. I have to, because this microphone is a piece of ship. new paragraph new parent graph new scratch hat god be jesus what the hell

So, you make a few mistakes and typos here and there. So what? If I can fully convince our readers to expect this level of grammatical correctness, I will soon be able to outsource my post to a Third World country for pennies on the dollar and retire to the coast of Mexico for a lifetime of good tequila and long siestas.

Which is across the us,
SHA WN

An Open Letter to the State of Arizona

An Open Letter to the State of Arizona

Dear Arizona:


What the crap? Why are you exempt from Daylight Saving Time? That is so unfair, State of Arizona. I, for one, am not a happy camper. This business of springing forward, falling back, hopping sideways, and skipping in circles is getting a little frigging old. And I will be hating my alarm clock with that little bit of extra fervor come Sunday. But you, Arizona? You’ll be happy as a clam, secure in the knowledge that 8 AM is still 8 AM and all is right with the world. Except for the part of the world that is springing forward! Lame!


Totally jealous of you,


Heather
Oklahoma, USA


cc: Hawaii