Friday, May 28, 2010

An Open Letter to Blockbuster

Dear Blockbuster,

I just came across the instruction book for Megaman 2 for the NES, a game I rented in the late fall of 1989. In case you were wondering, it's not the original instruction book; it appears to have been lovingly copied and stapled together by an employee of your store. Most of the text is clear, save for some cut-off sentences near the back and a red stain on page 8 that could be from a cherry popsicle. While I understand that you probably don't rent this game anymore, I thought maybe you might want the book back. Or perhaps the employee who copied it wants it for posterity's sake.

Let me know,

Monday, May 24, 2010

An Open Letter to My Friend Janie

Dear Janie,

Look, I understand. We've all let ourselves go at some point in our lives. We stop watching every little thing we eat and it winds up catching up with us. Perfectly normal.

That said, I feel like I have to intervene. Sweetie, you're getting really fat. I started noticing it a few months ago, probably before anyone else did. Just a very slight hump where there used to be a flat belly. Not a big deal, but I was concerned. But then it just continued to grow, like a mutant watermelon. I've even noticed that you've started wearing looser clothes to compensate. Sad, really. But what's sadder is the way you've seemingly embraced your newfound obesity. You almost seem proud of it!

Normally, I wouldn't say anything. You're my friend whether you're as skinny as a runway model or as big as a house. But it's not healthy to blow up as quickly as you have. The others won't tell you the truth. They seem amused by it, running up to feel your belly like you're the second coming of Buddha. They're enablers, but I can't stand idly by.

The thing is, you know I'm right. I noticed that you've even packed a "hospital bag". Clearly you're aware of the impact your quick weight gain has had on your heart and have simply resigned yourself to your upcoming coronary. I urge you to reconsider, Janie. It's not too late to get on a diet plan and return to your former glory.

With concern,

P.S. What does your husband Jeff have to say about this? And why did I see him buying cigars the other day? Are you both trying to ruin your health as quickly as possible??

Saturday, May 15, 2010

An Open Letter to the Writers of Glee

Dear Glee Scribes,

Please never again refer to U2's "One" as classic rock. Classic rock is a term used for bands such as Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd. Foreigner, even. Songs that came out before I was born, basically.

"One" uh, just came out...not that long...ago.


In permanent denial,