Friday, September 11, 2009

An Open Letter To Martha Stewart

Dear God, Martha. Seriously. While this lobster baby would be tasty, I'm sure, with some melted garlic butter and horseradish, it's still a lobster stuffed with live baby at the end of the day. Jesus Christ.

<3, JuliaD

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dear Weight-Watchers

Dear Weight Watchers:

I have tried your low-fat cheesecake. I generally approve. I just have to ask: how is your low fat cheesecake lowfat? Isn't, like, the number one ingredient in cheesecake, like cheesecake? I just don't understand. On the other hand, though, your low-fat cheesecakes are seriously half crumble base. Which isn't cheesecake. It's crumble base. Which is very different. Still tasty, but very different. Just to let you know. I could make low-fat twinkies by selling half a twinky on a Saltine cracker base. But it wouldn't be a half-fat twinkie. Well, I guess it would, literally, be a half-fat twinkie, but it would be a suckie half-fat twinkie. Well, it would be a half twinkie with a saltine-cracker base. I guess my point is that it would suck. And your low-fat cheesecakes kinda suck. They're fine, really, but not exceptional. Just not exceptional. Just want you to know.

much love,

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

An Open Letter to My Dog

An Open Letter to My Dog

Dear Snuggles:

Please take note of the following...

No, I do not happen to find it cute when you decide to expel the contents of your special butt glands on the couch. Or my bed. Nor do I think it's adorable when you go and plant the aforementioned butt upon my favorite unblemished pillow.

That's not another pit bull across the room that just happens to look exactly like you and coincidentally barks at you at the exact same time as you bark at him. That would be a mirror.

You might want to consider the fact that if you eat something odd, it's probably gonna feel odd coming out the other end, too. Don't eat sticks, rocks, shards of glass, sea anemones, or discarded syringes otherwise it's almost certainly going to feel a bit pokey the second time around. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The same goes for trying to eat the frog you found in the yard. There will likely foaming at the mouth involved within seconds of getting hold of it.

Lastly, that one sticky-uppy ear, the eye patch and the ever wiggly-butt are incredibly endearing and yes, you may use those things to your advantage.



P.S. You are my most favoritest thing. Ever.