Wednesday, April 29, 2009

An Open Letter to Nickelback

An Open Letter to Nickelback

Dear Nickelback:

Please do us all a favor and stopping making what doesn't even bear a passing resemblance to music. No, seriously.

With greatest appreciation,

Everyone in the World

NOTE: Funny story... I had this post in my drafts and just hadn't posted it yet when I came across another blogger's Open Letter to Nickelback! Check out Shawn's awesome version at The Shark Tank.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

An Open Letter to Dust

An Open Letter to Dust

Dear Dust:

Where the heck do you come from? Seriously. What's your deal?

Thanks in advance for any information you might be able to provide,


Thursday, April 23, 2009

An Open Letter to LOST

An Open Letter to LOST

Dear Favoritest Show Ever:

It really isn't necessary for you to do a recap show every 3 weeks. Please air more actual episodes. Thanks in advance.

All my love,


Wednesday, April 22, 2009

An Open Letter to Everyone I Know

An Open Letter to Everyone I Know

Dear Jerks:

As you can see from the email reprinted below, I’m gonna be rich, bee-yotches! I’ve already quit my job and I’m moving to Fiji! Catch all you suckas on the flip-flop!

In closing I would like to say... I am WAY too good for you. I really do mean that, from the bottom of my heart.

Love always,




Sent: Wed 5:20 AM

Dear Friend,

I am using this opportunity to thank you for your great effort to our unfinished transfer of fund into your account due to one reason or the other best known to you. But I want to inform you that I have successfully transferred the Cheque out of the company to someone else who was capable of assisting me in this great venture.

Due to your effort, sincerity, courage and trustworthiness you showed at the course of the transaction I want to compensate you and show my gratitude to you with the sum of $843,000,00 ( EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS).

I have authorized the finance house where I deposited my money to issue you international certified bank draft cash able at your bank. I do know you might be seeing the compensation as to small compared to the total sum pursued for but you just have to bear with it for the German doctor whom assisted in the fund transfer made a lot of expenses.

Meanwhile be inform that cost of shipment and the insurance coverage of certified cashier check are at your expenses which we have bargain with the courier company to make less expensive for you to be able to get your parcel without any form of delay.

You are to contact the financial controller of FIRST FINANCIAL BANK PLC via email or via phone which is below.


TELEPHONE NUMBER: +234-70-23192278

At the moment, I am very busy here because of the investment projects which myself and my new partner are having at hand.
Please I will like you to accept this token with good faith as this is from the bottom of my heart.

Contact Mr ADETUNJI PETERS now .
Thanks and God bless you and your family.

Best Regards

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

An Open Letter To Aunt Flo

Dear Aunt Flo,

Bitch, where the hell have you been the last two weeks?! I'm just going along, thinking everything is fine and dandy, expecting you any minute and then...nothing. I start to freak out, think maybe my "pull out and pray" method of birth control is perhaps not the most effective for a single girl to be using. You even made me go so far as to look up "early signs of pregnancy" on Web MD! Aunt Flo, you had me thinking about my future, picking out cribs online, thinking about how I would have to turn my guest room into a nursery. You made me have the "awkward talk" with the prospective baby daddy about a possible bun in the oven.

And, FINALLY, you show up all late and totally unapologetic. You also brought with you an uninvited guest, PMS. She's a real bitch. She makes me want to cry and rip someone's face off all at the same time. I swear to God, Aunt Flo, the next time you put me through something like this, we're finished. I'm scheduling a hysterectomy and getting all my lady parts removed so you can't fuck with me anymore. Either that, or I better be preggers cause if I'm going through all that stress, I'm getting a cute baby out of it. Oh, and you better stop by the store cause I'm all out of tampons.

Feeling crampy,
Brooke Amanda

Sunday, April 19, 2009

An Open Letter to Inspector No. 84

An Open Letter to Inspector No. 84

Dear Inspector No. 84:

I found your little inspection sticker on my underpants. I just wanted to say, thank you for inspecting my underpants. That was really nice of you. Also, I was just curious… do you have a badge or a license or something? Because I bet you could get a lot of girls that way. Telling them you’re an Official Underpants Inspector. Girls love classy stuff like that.

Thanks again,


Thursday, April 9, 2009

An Open Letter to the Moth That Got Into My Closet

An Open Letter to the Moth That Got Into My Closet and Chewed Itty-Bitty Holes into My Favorite Pair of Pants

Dear Moth:

Not cool, dude. Not. Cool.

Yours truly,

Owner of Pants

P.S. What other things do you hate? Cuz I’m certainly not using those stinky moth balls to get rid of you so you can forget that. I refuse to let my clothes smell like those of an octogenarian. Shall I toss a Nickelback CD in there at you? Just kidding. I would never buy a Nickelback CD.

An Open Letter To Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley,

Why the fuck are you EVERYWHERE? How do I even know who you are? I thought I was done with your hillbilly family after your dad's incredibly annoying "Achy Breaky Heart" finally faded away. But no, he had an ace in his pocket (or should I say his sperm) when you were born. I first remember hearing about you because my nephew had a crush on your ass a few years ago. That's when you were better known as "Hannah Montana" and hadn't yet blossomed into the full-blown whore you are now.

At first, I thought, "What a cute kid. She's funny and she can sing, too." Then, almost overnight, you turned into this big-lipped 16 year old slut who's fucking a 20 year old. Hmm, do you still wear your purity ring? I'm thinking that's a big "hell no" since the last pics I saw of you were not so pure. You had on a wet, white t-shirt with a bikini top underneath and you were helping your fuck buddy "wash" his car. I'm just curious, aren't you a millionare? Couldn't you PAY someone to wash the damn car? Or did you just want to get some wet t-shirt pics into all the tabloids?

I can't wait until five years from now when you will either be a complete washed up has been ala your daddy or just another strung out drug addicted child star ala Lindsey Lohan. You better get knocked up soon so you too can have a dynamic kid just like yourself and ride their coat tails when you're forty... and the tale of the Cyrus family saga continues.

P.S.- I hope you and your loser best friend read this and then make fun of it on your super cool YouTube broadcasts. They are not dumb, lame, or mindnumbing to watch whatsoever.

Hope this makes you cry,
Brooke Amanda

Saturday, April 4, 2009

An Open Letter To Dunkin' Donuts

Dear Dunkin' Donuts,

First off, let me congratulate you on making a coffee that is so highly addictive, I would be scared to drink it while pregnant for fear my children will be low birth weight and go through withdrawls. But the real reason I'm writing this letter is to nominate your employee, Gene, for "Employee of The Month." Gene works the drive-thru window at my local Dunkin' Donuts and can recognize my voice instantly. That means either he has a really good ear, or I go to your establishment way too fucking much.
Our exchange every morning goes something like this:
Gene: "Welcome to Dunkin' Donuts. May I take your order?"
Me: "Yes, I'd like a large coffee with cream and sugar, please."
Gene: "And a ham, egg, and cheese on an English muffin?"
Me: "Yes, please." I don't have the heart to special order it because I haven't eaten pork since I was 14. I just don't want to ruin our banter. I throw the ham away when I get to work. Plus, I kind of like the hammy flavor it leaves.
Gene: "Okay Brooke. See you at the window."
It's like he knows my soul! What a phenomenal guy! On a side note, I have no idea what ethnicity Gene is. Maybe Filipino? He has a definite accent and an interesting look that I just can't place. And I highly doubt Gene is his real name. I'm sure he had to Americanize it for "the man" and I think that shows a great team spirit as well. He could be the manager someday! Gene is a definite keeper and I would promote him through the Dunkin' Donuts ranks as quickly as possible. Maybe he could even star in your next commercial. Just a thought.

Keep making your crack coffee,
Brooke Amanda