An Open Letter To Dragon Naturally Speaking ("written" with Dragon Naturally Speaking)

Dear Dragon,

It's been a pleasure and a delight to use your speech recognition software, freeing my hands to publish more important tacks such as: digging through the bag of Cheetos for those final crimes, messing about with my electronic cigarette, and handwriting ideas for future blog posts. It will only be a matter of time before I can dispense with my keyboard and mouse altogether, thus earning me the final merit badge in my quest to become the laziest man alive.

Many would shy away from writing a letter such as this for fear that it might be seen as an improper product indoors mint. Not I however, when a piece of software is capable as you are Dragon pirouette peer. I have no qualms about shouting it from the nearest rooftop. And make no mistake about it, I really am shouting. I have to, because this microphone is a piece of ship. new paragraph new parent graph new scratch hat god be jesus what the hell

So, you make a few mistakes and typos here and there. So what? If I can fully convince our readers to expect this level of grammatical correctness, I will soon be able to outsource my post to a Third World country for pennies on the dollar and retire to the coast of Mexico for a lifetime of good tequila and long siestas.

Which is across the us,
SHA WN

An Open Letter To My Friend, Whose Novel I've Been Editing

Dear Ron,

"Cocksure" is a fine word, and it has its place in the language. Not in the way you've been using it, though. Not in that way at all.

Thanks,
Shawn

An Open Letter to That Guy at the Grocery Store

Dear Guy,

That ice cream you keep mentioning to your wife? The one that incorporates chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry into one convenient container? Well, that ice cream was never the Emperor of France. That ice cream never fought in the Battle of Waterloo and it was never exiled to the island of St. Helena. It never did any of these things, so stop calling it Napoleon Ice Cream! That's...that's not what it's called.

Pleased to help,
Shawn

An Open Letter to the Person Who Painted the Ambulance I Saw Today

Dear Ambulance Artists,

I don't know how to tell you this, but you completely BOTCHED the word "Ambulance" on the front of the vehicle. I realize dyslexia is a serious condition, but what you did was worse than dyslexia. It's almost like you did it on purpose. Well, funny joke...I guess...but an emergency vehicle doesn't really seem like the appropriate place for a prank. Just my opinion.

Sincerely,
Shawn