Wednesday, December 30, 2009

An Open Letter To The Woman Standing Behind Me At The Post Office

Dear Woman Standing Behind Me At The Post Office,

Wow, from listening to your phone conversation it sounds like your family is going through some really hard times. Why is your mom such a bitch? And why was she SO MEAN to Katherine the other night at dinner? I mean, all Kat did was make a simple joke about her beer and your mom flipped out! How does your father put up with her?!

And now I'm wondering why they can't just make up their mind about their anniversary next year. I think going on a cruise sounds fabulous! And like you told Kat, it's a big boat so you two won't have to put up with your mother the whole time, ha ha.

Oh, and by the way...I CAN HEAR YOU! The person in front of me can hear you. The person behind you can hear you. You are standing 5 inches away from me. You are not in an invisible phone booth. Some conversations need take place in the privacy of your own home. I mean, what would your mother think!

Stop Airing Your Dirty Laundry In Public,
Brooke Amanda

Monday, December 28, 2009

An Open Letter To Charlie Sheen

Dear Charlie,

Hey man, how’s it going? I’m guessing not well based on the fact you got your ass arrested and thrown in jail on Christmas for allegedly holding a knife to your wife’s throat and threatening to kill her. Ouch. I understand that your baby momma was legally drunk at 8:30 in the morning (CLASSY) and probably had it coming, but still… this is getting embarrassing.

Charlie, I think you just need to stop getting married and stop procreating. Do you really need to be populating the planet with your crazy genes?! You already had THREE kids by two previous women and you really felt the need to have twins with this crazy bitch, who by the way has my same name? Don’t think for a second I’m not pissed that Brooke Mueller is desecrating the name Brooke for all of us!

Why don’t you just concentrate on your acting career, which right now consists solely of “Two And A Half Men,” and help that kid who plays your nephew slim down the chunk because he is getting FAAAAT. Maybe help your dad, Martin, do some political stuff or help your brother, Emilio, find ANY sort of an acting role since I don’t think I’ve seen him on film since “The Mighty Ducks.” I know you can do it , Charlie! I have faith in you!

Stay Away From Those Crazy Bitches,
Brooke Amanda

Friday, December 18, 2009

An Open Letter To The Idiot Who Almost Ran Into Me In The Mall Parking Lot

Dear Idiot Who Almost Ran Into Me In The Mall Parking Lot,

Do you see those bright yellow arrows on the cement? They indicate which way you can turn into the parking lanes. You CANNOT drive the wrong way or you will cause a head-on the one you almost caused tonight by going the wrong way, full speed ahead, then looking angrily at me like I was the one at fault. I hope someone totals your car. Merry f**king Christmas, dickworm!

You are a shitty driver,
Brooke Amanda