Monday, June 29, 2009

An Open Letter to the "Home" Key on My Keyboard

An Open Letter to the "Home" Key on My Keyboard

Dear "Home" Key:

How come you don't work? I have pressed you several times this morning yet here at work I remain. You suck.

Warmest regards,


P.S. Maybe I should invest in a Ruby Slippers Button.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

An Open Letter To Fiber One Bars

Dear Fiber One Bars,

Thank you for being truly delicious and making me have extremely satisfying poohs. If it weren't for your tasty little bars, I shudder to think how irregular I would be.

The Owner Of A Very Happy Colon,
Brooke Amanda

Open Letter to the Sport of Tennis

Open Letter to the Sport of Tennis

Dear Tennis,

What is your deal? You obviously think your special. Using all those words like "love" and crap in your scores. What is wrong with a number score, huh? What do you have against 5-0, or "its tied up" or "scoreless". I mean, "deuce"? It isnt a card game for Pete's sake, its a sport with a ball, which should use the number system. Oh and if that isnt bad enough, your female players wear skirts. Well, la-ti-da, arent you something? Please. Oh, and your fans? Boring. Their polite little applause like they all sticks up their bums. How about some shouting in the stands? Or someone throwing a plastic beer cup, or a people with painted faces? Nope, too good for that obviously. Then you go and put yourself into a wii game, and now my children are using your ridiculous terms for scores, and frankly, its making me ill. Please stop the insanity.



A Baseball, Football and Soccer Mom

Monday, June 22, 2009

Open Letter to the Drunk Guy at the Concert in Chicago

Open Letter to the Drunk Guy at the Concert in Chicago

Dear Across-the-aisle-just-3-feet-away-endlessly-puking-perpetually-spewing-idiot-who-had-WAAAAAAAAAY-too-much-beer-at-the-Corona-sponsored-tailgating-party-before-the-Kenny-Chesney-Sun-City-Carnival-Tour-concert-ever-even-started-at-4PM-so-that-you-were-totally-passed-out-while-providing- quite-the-disgustingly-memorable-projectile-emetic-show,

So. I'm guessing you won't ever eat peanuts I right?

No pity for you,


PS- Too bad about your boots....and your shirt.....your jacket.......jeans....the guy in front of idgit.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

An Open Letter to the Kid at the Grocery Store

An Open Letter to the Kid at the Grocery Store

An Open Letter to the Kid at the Grocery Store that Bagged My Groceries [read: one tiny bottle of salad dressing] and When I Asked if You Could Help Me Carry It Out to My Car You Said "Sure!":

I was kidding.

Thanks, though.


Heather Cherry

Thursday, June 11, 2009

An Open Letter To Dry-Lipped Crafters

Dear Fellow Lip-Balm-Loving Crafters,

I can see what you're going for here. I really can. You've decided that you love your lip balm enough to bestow upon it a special lip-balm-cozy, and god bless you for your creative gumption. What I'm calling foul on here, though, isn't the relative pointlessness of these laboriously crafted chapstick protectors, shockingly. Instead, I would like to implore you to look, just seriously look, at the bizarre tomfuckery you put together for this purpose. And then maybe you can answer me why the top cozy appears to resemble some kind of massive and generally unnecessary lip-balm lion depository (although the lion does seem to be enjoying it an awful lot, I'll give you that), and the bottom one, well, I won't even go there.

Seriously people. Think these things through. If you have to put your chapstick away by shoving it up a felt lion's gaping ass, or by sliding it inside a suspiciously-shaped pastel knitted sock with balls, you have failed.

Just sayin'.


Monday, June 8, 2009

An Open Letter To Publix Supermarkets, Inc.

Dear Publix,

I write this letter with a heavy heart. For a long time, you've taken the strong lead when it comes to excellence in grocery, and I am proud to call you my favorite Florida supermarket. However, there is an issue I can no longer stand by and ignore.

Every time I purchase your ground beef, steaks, or pork chops, they go green and moldy within a single day of being in my pantry. Every time!

I've found myself forced to eat any such meats immediately upon returning home, leaving me with a situation where I am painfully full for one day, and then starving for the next six. I don't expect your meats to last forever, but I think they should be good for at least a few days, don't you agree?

Thinking of going to Piggly Wiggly,

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

An Open Letter to the Kid Who Just Shot My Car With a Water Gun

Dear Kid,

Really? Holding the water gun sideways, gangsta style?