An Open Letter to My Dog
Please take note of the following...
No, I do not happen to find it cute when you decide to expel the contents of your special butt glands on the couch. Or my bed. Nor do I think it's adorable when you go and plant the aforementioned butt upon my favorite unblemished pillow.
That's not another pit bull across the room that just happens to look exactly like you and coincidentally barks at you at the exact same time as you bark at him. That would be a mirror.
You might want to consider the fact that if you eat something odd, it's probably gonna feel odd coming out the other end, too. Don't eat sticks, rocks, shards of glass, sea anemones, or discarded syringes otherwise it's almost certainly going to feel a bit pokey the second time around. Don't say I didn't warn you.
The same goes for trying to eat the frog you found in the yard. There will likely foaming at the mouth involved within seconds of getting hold of it.
Lastly, that one sticky-uppy ear, the eye patch and the ever wiggly-butt are incredibly endearing and yes, you may use those things to your advantage.
P.S. You are my most favoritest thing. Ever.