Friday, March 18, 2011

An Open Letter To Anyone With a Bumper Sticker

Dear Sticker-Mongers,

We don't care. No really, no one does.

Nobody cares that your kid made the honor roll and absolutely no one cares that your kid beat up another honor roll student.

Nobody cares who you voted for in the last election and no one was going to blame you, anyway.

Nobody cares about your fish, or about your fish with legs.

Nobody gives a flying shitwaffle if you have a baby on board, or what the make-up of your family looks like, as created by stick figures.

Nobody cares if Jesus is your co-pilot, if you're "salt life", who you support in the NASCAR event, if you never learned anything else about Islam after 9/11, if your other car is a broomstick, if you'd rather be fishing, or WHAT YOU THINK CALVIN SHOULD BE PISSING ON!

It looks dumb, and you should feel dumb.



Belle said...

I care.

Heather Cherry said...

I myself never mong stickers. Although, after seeing all the stick figure families, I've often thought it would be funny to put just one stick figure on my car. Since I don't have a husband or kids. Now THAT would be funny.

This is really one of my favorite letters of yours, Shawn.

Brooke Amanda said...

I freely admit to judging people very harshly according to how stupid their bumper stickers are. I mean, I'm pretty bitchy and judgemental anyway, so why give me more fuel for the fire, ya know?

Shawn said...

Belle: I was expecting this to be the first comment, so thank you for fulfilling the prophecy.

Heather: That could be funny, although I wonder if anyone would "get" it.

Brooke: I can think of few better ways to judge somebody, actually.

Rebecca said...

Someone recently did a post on stick figure families....Wombat Central???, it was a month or so ago whoever it was..........and she found drunk stick figures and barfing stick figures...made me laugh

PorkStar said...

Well said, I totally agree. In NJ there are some people that have DOZENS or stickers on their car. Totally ridiculous. I haven't really seen that anywhere else. No wonder too people hate us.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

I've already told my family that if I die and find out someone commemorated my existence with a sticker on their car window reading:

1965 - 2073

I will personally rise from the dead and smack the hell out of them.

And I always thought it would be hilarious if some single guy put one stick figure on his window with his name.


Or something. That's be funny, in a sad sort of way.

Eric said...

The police would probably take a dim view if you covered your back bumper with stickers that looked like license plates. But I bet there probably ain't no law against it.

Joyce Lansky said...

Actually the bumper stickers are very useful to know who to let in front of me and who to cut off. You voted for that SOB? You're not getting in front of me!

Anonymous said...


Shawn said...

Along the lines we were talking about, Heather:

Heather Cherry said...

Shawn, LOL!