Wednesday, April 6, 2011

An Open Letter To 5-Hour Energy

Dear 5-Hour Energy Drink,

I never tried you before today. I was fearful of what you may do to my body and stuck closely by my trusty Cup O’Joe to give me the boost I needed to make it through my work day. But I had a horrible sleep last night and my coffee mug and energy levels were on low, so I decided to give you a shot. After all, my co-worker takes you all the time, so I thought, “What’s the worst that could happen? Cardiac arrest? Seizures?”

So throwing caution to the wind I guzzled down just half a bottle to play it on the safe side. And, boy oh boy, you didn’t disappoint, Energy! At first I felt no difference, but within minutes I could feel my heart racing and my head spinning. Dare I say I even felt a bit drunk. Is that your secret ingredient, Energy? Alcohol?

With my new found buzz, I was able to speed through the last remaining hours of my workday with all the hopped up jittery-ness of a crackhead who just got a big fix after weeks of withdrawal. Thanks, Energy! I am choosing to ignore the moments in my day when I felt like I was going to faint and my hands wouldn’t stop shaking… and the point were I crashed so hard I felt like a coma victim and wasn’t sure if I could drive home. The point is, you did perk me up and that’s all that matters!

P.S.- I’m switching back to coffee IMMEDIANTLY.

Hyperly yours,
Brooke Amanda


Rebecca said...

I used to take nodoz or whatever that stuff was and I'd drink the stuff with a cup of pepsi and then I'd follow that up with a cup of coffee with about 5 sugars and drive home and STILL barely make it home awake (about 20 minute drive) and then I'd fall into bed and crash hard and sleep for 12 hours straight.

Shawn said...

I was trying to lose some weight a few years ago and took a concoction of caffeine pills, ephedrine, and aspirin to help accelerate the process.

I saw God that day.

Brooke Amanda said...

Rebecca- DAMN!!!! I had a cup of coffee at 5pm and I'm having trouble falling asleep!

Shawn-Oh, ephedrine! I have fond memories of taking it to lose weight before it got banned. I re-arranged my furniture three times in one day b/c I was so hopped up on the stuff:) That shit is worse than crack (not that I would know).

Cake Betch said...

Once I attended a meeting that I knew was going to be so terrible I bought two of those things. I drank a whole bottle right before and was falling asleep about 20 minutes in so I drank a second bottle. I was STILL falling asleep, but I thought my heart was going to explode. I've never had one since.

Heather Cherry said...

I now know to avoid this stuff. Thanks, everyone!

KimNarrative said...

I'm crying Brooke Amanda. Sooo funny!