Tuesday, May 12, 2009

An Open Letter to the Unmarried Peoples of the World


This is an open letter to anyone planning on getting married. Ever.

(Please excuse the all-caps. I am not yelling, I am just typing loudly.)

Dear unmarried peoples of the world:

CAMO IS NOT AN OPTION FOR YOUR WEDDING FINERY. AT LEAST, IT SHOULDN'T BE. IT IS INAPPROPRIATE. INAPPROPRIATE, I TELL YOU, UNLESS YOU PLAN ON HUNTING DOWN AND KILLING YOUR SPOUSE AT THE RECEPTION AND YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE YOUR GARTER BELT COMING. IN WHICH CASE, YOU SHOULD ALSO CONSIDER RUBBING YOURSELF DOWN WITH THEIR URINE FIRST, WHICH WILL, I'M TOLD, MASK YOUR OWN ODOR LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BE ABLE TO GET RIGHT UP BEHIND THEM SO YOU CAN GET A CLEAR SHOT. THAT IS THE ONLY SITUATION IN WHICH CAMOUFLAGE WEDDING ACCESSORIES ARE IN ANY WAY ACCEPTABLE. DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THEY ARE HIDEOUS.

DESPITE WHATEVER THIS SITE MAY HAVE YOU BELIEVE.

Thanks for listening. It needed to be said.

Love always,
JuliaD

p.s.: shit-coloured roses probably aren't the best idea either, just so you know.

11 comments:

Funnyrunner said...

LOL!!! I can't believe that stuff is actually out there...

shopgirl101 said...

I shit you not, my cousin was just in a wedding were the bridesmaids wore camo t-shirts and denim mini skirts. But she lives in S. IL, so that's probably how all the weddings go down.

Shawn said...

I can't see anything in that picture!

Julia D said...

@ funnyrunner: I couldn't agree more. Although it does make my job easier ;)

@ shopgirl: Believe it or not, I've been to a wedding in S. IL before, and yeah, that is how they seem to roll. And I can probably even one-up your cousin: the one I went to was in a corn field, and the music was provided by a boom-box hanging on bungee cords off the groom's back porch. Classy.

@ Shawn: You almost made me spit soup all over my keyboard. Good work.

Heather Cherry said...

Jules: I will try and remember this. Thanks for the tip.

Shawn: L. M. A. O. That is all.

bearmancartoons said...

Maybe it is appropriate when right after the ceremony, the wedding party is expected to comb the woods and russle up the reception dinner.

Wendy said...

I have a friend who is a seamstress and does custom wedding stuff. She just did a camo wedding where the groom was in regular camo and the bride was in PINK CAMO. I am not kidding.

Because why would I kid about something like that?

And while you're thinking about all that... where could you hide in pink camo and actually be blending in? Cotton candy? Clown vomit? I have no idea.

Phillipia said...

Thanks for the tip - but now I have to start over; maybe I will try a disney them...'cuz we WILL live happily ever after.

Colleen said...

ok, shopgirl, YOUR cousin in the camo wedding is MY sister and I am not shitting you when I say that I have let her know that I am NOT condoning this behavior and am ASHAMED of her...OMG, I will have to ask if the music was boom box on a bungee cord!
I managed to marry in S. IL and NOT wear any camo!

Jeff Tompkins said...

I thought the only rules at weddings were: No tank-tops (in the winter).

professor chaos said...

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes! What the hell would you have to be thinking? Let's have a theme wedding! Maybe roses, or cherubs, or I know! Gun violence! Brilliant! That's why I love ya, sis!